Best Buys

When size always matters, amongst other places

Okay,

Q: guess which Mortar and Pestle cost more money?  Both are marble, both are made in China, both come with no warranty.  One came from a GloboStore (BBaB), one from a sick ass Asian market with super cheap prices for huge mortar and pestles. Which is which?  Is green better than grey?  What do y'all think?

A: The Green One. It was like $20!  I just saw and bought the giant grey one for $12 at some crappy Asian market on Santa Clara Street (it was a fine market, just not great).  I even told the owner that he should shop the eff around, but he was so geeked up on being cheaper than Albertsons!  "Bro, look at their coconut water!  Its like $0.30 more expensive!  Can you believe that Bro?"

"Yeah.  But this is like $15 too cheap, not like some silly drink."

"Bro! Its the same!  See what I mean?!"

"Um, yeah? Or, no?"

Hey Bro, thanks for the discounted Mortar and Pestle. 

Moral: Go to ethnic markets for esoteric shit like mortars and pestles.

God Made Anchovies for Me

Substitutes only serve to remind you that you do not have the object of your desire

I don't know if I've said it before here, but I'll say it again for the first time: don't fucking kid yourself about Paleo substitutes.  Spaghetti squash does not a spaghetti dish make.  Some bullshit crust doesn't satisfy like a sweet Wig & Pen "Flying Tomato" or Rusty's thin crust pizza.  Paleo alternatives pale in comparison;  they simply suck, and that only leads to more feelings of deprivation, which then leads to more junk food, because, seriously, why kid yourself?

With that being said, I have had a spaghetti squash for a while and simply wanted to use it, but I had no good ideas off the top of my head (having never made one before) so I went for the pasta substitute.  Unfortunately, it was a disaster, and then I did it again with a different sauce.  Insanely disastrous.  Live and don't learn, I guess.

Anchovy Pasta Sauce

This sauce is paleo and by itself, or on pasta, it is the effing truth.  Take 3-4T of olive oil, 3/2t crushed red pepper, 7 coarsely minced garlic cloves, and saute with salt (small amount now) and fresh cracked pepper.  Add a can of anchovies, oil and all.  Saute until they dissolve into the oil (literally).  Add two huge spoonfuls of capers and an 8oz can of tomato sauce.  Simmer briefly.

This is a rip off of a classic Italian dish.  Try it with fresh tomatoes, olives, mushrooms, or artichokes.  Also, try melting a hard cheese into it prior to tossing with traditional spaghetti.  (As an aside, traditional Italian cooking always ends up seeming way more oily than Americanized food, and as a supplemental aside, it is virtually always tastier).

My roommate's gf, who claims to hate anchovies, conceded that this sauce was re-donk.  With the spaghetti squash? It was fucking horrible.  I seriously only ate like 6 bites.

Chocolaty Beef Jerky

And that French Guy thought this would be disgusting...

This is just a marinade recipe that works wonders for beef jerkey:

• 2T Tamarind
• 2T Water
• 2T Apple cider vinegar
• 1T Garlic chili sauce
• 1 1/2T Dehydrated onion
• Salt and pepper to taste 
• 1T Cocoa powder

Marinade and dehydrate.  This is the bomb.

Addendum: This rose eyebrows at work and at the gym.  Super bomb, can't wait to get more meat!

Hobo Costco Paleo Special: Salmon and Capers

If you have a Costco card, you can make this over and over and over and over...

The things I bought at Costco were: canned salmon (bear and wolf), baby bella mushrooms, capers, and spinach.  On a previous trip I got olive oil, dehyrated onions, granulated garlic, and pepper, both red and black.  Spike, this one is for you.

Hobo Salmon and Capers
Take about 2T of olive oil, add a T of crushed red peppers, 2T dehydrated onions, 1/3c water, lots of ground pepper, 3 huge pinches of salt, and 1/2t ground mustard, 3T of capers, and 1/2t granulated garlic.  Saute for a little while.  Add some mushrooms, cut in half, saute for 10-12 minutes.  Add can of salmon.  Suate covered for as long as it takes to make spinach.

Make spinach in a seperate pot in olive oil, salt and pepper.

Serve one on top of the other.  This is amazing.

Tamarind, Turkey and Spinach

Add salt and pepper, olive oil, red pepper, tomato sauce, and you have a feast!  Delicious.

Thats it.

Pasta Sauce

There are lots and lots of veggies in this, and this is very easy and delicious

Saute 4 cloves of minced garlic and a diced onion.  Add 1t basil, oregano, ground sage, black pepper, cayenne pepper, granulated garlic and thyme.  Add tons of olive oil.  Saute 1p ground turkey.  Add a whole, cut up cauliflower head.  Cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes.  Add a bag of arugala, add four cut up tomatoes.  Saute for 8 minutes. Add a can of tomato suace.  Saute till done.  This was awesome.

Addendum: This was inspired by talk at sectionals by my fellow Crossfittermen that they missed both cereal and pasta since subscribing to the Paleo.

Mustard Eggs

Eggs, better with dijion mustard for some reason

Y'all know I hate to post egg recipes but this one was a decent border break-down.  This is a bunch of asparagus sauted in olive oil with 6 garlic cloves and red pepper.  It is also about 4-5 scrambled eggs mixed with dijion mustard and hot suace with salt and pepper.  It was awesome.  Also good with avocados.

Two Days On

This little puppy was crocked for 38 hours in only two cups of water

So sure, two days is forty eight hours, but that is close enough for a deceptive blog post, right? 

Here was the strategy for St. Paddy's Day's corned beef: crock it, cook veggies seperate, combine and devour.  Unfortunately, it got a little out of control and it became an exercise in meat preperation management.  I got home too late to make this last night, but still wanted an awesome dish, so thank science for the "warm" setting.  This was on low for 15+ hours and then warm for the next day.

Post-Paddy's Day Corned Beef

In a huge soup pot, take 5 cloves of garlic and mince.  Dice an onion.  Here is my big creative idea to make this dish better: add a ton of crushed red pepper.  Saute for 5 minutes in spicy olive oil.  Add 2/3p cut up carrots, and saute covered for 10 minutes.  Slice up a whole head of cabbage, add as much liquid as possible from the crock to the pot, add some supplemental pepper corn and bay leaves.  Simmer covered for 20 minutes.  Then put the corned beef over it and simmer covered for another 5 minutes.  You can just use a pair of tongs to serve from this pot.  It is awesome, I wish it was available more often!

Stella' Head

Great Head

According to my guy CD, I don't give good head because I pour with very limited foam.  Well, you can fit more beer in the glass that way is my reasoning.  Anyway, I just got the Stella hooked up, and becuase of a line that is too narrow (or the pressure is to high, either way), I now give great head.

Now that the sun is back, and the stella is tapped, who wants to throw a pool party?

Delicious Orange Salad with Sesame Chicken

Looks small but plated, this was a 5 course lunch

Okay, this was a stellar salad.  Basically, take that wonderful spicy orange vinegrette from last week, and pour it (not all of it, maybe 3T for this gigantic feast) over a large salad comprised of dandelion green, frisse lettuce, a cut up breast of my world famous Sesame Chicken and a very large (I can only assume) hydropnic tomato.  Season with salt and pepper to taste.  It was awesome.

Pre-emptive St Paddy's Day Food Post: Corned Beef and Cabbage

I like my March 17ths like I like my women: seasonal, cheap and delicious

So, corned beef is on sale right now.  I love this stuff.  Normally it is super expensive but I bought the cut pictured here for $3.  That being said, it is easily the fattiest cut on the market (I have a better one for Wednesday, FYI). 

Corned Beef and Caggabe

This is a classic.  Unfortunately in the US, virtually all of our corned beef comes in bags with seasonings and cooking directions.  This is a quick (relatively) practice run.

Crush 5 cloves of garlice and saute in 2T+ super spicy home made olive oil.  Add an entire bunch of 1/4" thick sliced organic carrots (it seems like a lot).  Soften for 10 minutes.  Add 3p corned beef from cheap bagged beef,  add flavors (see note on bagged flavors below).  Cook with cover on for 15+ minutes.  Flip and cook for 15+ minutes.  Add 4c water and cook for another hour, flipping as required.  Add cut up cabbage 30 minutes before service.

Flavor bag: this is fairly simple: bay leaves, pepper corns, corriander (cilantro) seeds. 

SoCal Sectionals Day 2

Colin and Jaala were back after it for the final WOD today.  Colin came in 14th after two events and Jaala was 9th but she had the bonus knowledge that she was for sure in the top 20, almost no matter what.  How, you ask?  Jaala is a BAMF.  The WODs were so hard yesterday that less than 20 woman finished them Rx'd.  Jaala was one of them.  All she needed to do was to complete the event today and she was on to Regionals.  Colin, on the other hand, had to fight to maintain his top 20 status.

Jaala is a bad ass mutha fucka

Event #3: Max Effort

3 minutes Row for max calories

Rest 3 minutes

3 minutes AMRAP Dead lift (275/185)

Rest 3 minutes

3 minutes accumulate as many seconds of L-sits* with 5 second minimum set

Rest 3 minutes

3 minutes AMRAP Over head squats (95/65)

Rest 3 minutes

Start 6 minute count down, 1 set AMRAP Pull ups (must start with in 5 seconds of start of count down)

When clock hits zero, run 800m

Score is rank in each of the six events, sum the rankings, lowest score wins.

*L-sits were not really L-sits (sorry WBHH).  Rather they were straight legged feet raises with hands on parallettes.  You counted feet together, knees locked, off the ground for this move, not above parallel.

These three events were so hard they crippled animals, I can't even imagine the monsters that will arise from the ashes of the competitors.

SoCal Sectionals Day 1

CFV sent four of our best athletes to compete in some brutal events at Drake Stadium on the UCLA campus to try to become one of the top 20 men and women to move on to regional qualifiers for the twenty oh-ten CrossFit Games.  All four are absolute inspirations: humble, strong, dedicated, focused, relentless, and beastly.  I have a rule for healthy eating called the "Don't eat what that guy eats" rule.  I have a new rule with these four: "Do what they do."

Drake Stadium (UCLA), from the bleachers

Front squat 400#, run a 5.13 mile, row sub 8 2k, clean 385#.  Our heroes today were Colin, Craig, Jaala, and Matt.  Monster, Unbelievable, Unstoppable, Power House. 

Event #1
For Time:
100m Run
Pick up 45# (25#) plate and run up 83 stadium steps (the super horribly design stadium 2.5" high x 8.73" wide bizarre step) and then perform 70 unbroken squats while holding some bizarre 45# object. 
Then run down 83 steps.
35 Push press (45#/ 33#)
Run up 83 steps
15 Thrusters (135#/ 95#) (how much weight?) (Science) (Silence)
Back down 83 steps
35 Burpees (CrossFit is stupid at this point)
Back up
35 Wall Balls (20#/10 and 14#/10)
Back down
70 Double Unders
100m run

Rude. 

Event #2
For lowest working time (A+B):

A: 4RFT
9 Squat Cleans (135#)*
6 Hand Stand Push Ups

*Run 50m to HSPU station, call time after last HSPU in 4th round

Then,

Exactly 20 minutes after the start of Event #2 Part A, perform:

B: As Quickly As Possible
30 Hang Squat Snatches at 75# (Hang = below knees)
30 Chest to Bar Pull Ups
Row 750m

Fuck off, these events are retarded.  Literally. 

Here is the link to the times and scores: http://scores2010.crossfit.com/scoring/south-california/

Orange Vinnegrete

This little dandy is what I would consider "incomplete" on its own, however, I had a very specific salad mind, with very specific heavily flavored ingredients.  I'll tell you how to over come that and "complete" this dressing afterwards.

Combine:

• 4T Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• 4T Spicy Olive Oil (the Olio Piccante kind)
• 2T White wine vinegar
• 1T very finely minced shallot
• Salt and Pepper to taste
• Juice from half of an orange

A little sesame seeds and a little paprika and some granulated garlic and it is completed.

Red Cabbage Reprive

Welcome to the second guest creationist on KYFCU.com, Colly (Cole-ee), my roommate's girl friend!  Her given name is Nicole, but I like Colly better.  Anyway, I made that red cabbage slaw a few weeks back, which was based off of my buddy Drew's slaw, that I caught Nicole macking on in the kitchen.  And now we have a great, observable evolution of a dish.  Drew --> Brandon --> Nicole.  Hers was better.  Here how it goes:

Cabbage, scallions, cilantro, salt, pepper, red pepper, apple cider vinegar, with the requiste orange juice, but also with orange and mango slices.  I would cut them up finely too.  The added super sweetness was out of control.  It was like a bizarre vegetable dessert, if you can imagine such a bizarre thing.  I had the option of avocado too.  It would have been a good +fat +fiber choice.

Her version/vision opened my eyes to the cabbage-slaw potential: this could see a breakfast version soon, a picnic version, a BBQ version, a ...  This is a pretty strong dish, best to cut the cabbage super thinly next time.  Maybe let it sit for a few hours too.  This was a pretty cool evolution to witness. 

Addendum: Some people have started trying these recipes and are having some success like this story here.  If you want to, take a pic and drop me a line we can start seeing these evolutions and really start to learn about food here.

Globo Loser 2.0

So, if you avid readers recall from my rambling, angry post some time last Friday regarding this loser, Jason B@rum!n, at LA Fitness Ventura was a real unprofessional jerk to me.  I asked for his supervisor's contact information, it was (reluctantly) given to me in the form of a 1-800 #, with office hours from 9am-6pm M-F.  I asked that Jason to write his name on the card so that there was no confusion as to who I was complaining about when I called the VP.  Jason says, "No." 

What?   

But check this bullshit: I call today, and there is no one listed under this VP's name in their directory.  He basically gave me a bullshit phone number.  What a fucking loser.

Addendum: After calling a membership staffing person and explaining my situation, she actually emailed the VP for me and asked that he call me.  She said it might take 48 hrs.  It took 18 minutes for him to get in contact with me.  He was skeptical at first, but then saw the horror of employing such a loser.  Let's see what happens...

Sesame Chicken

Man, I just tried to dismember a chicken for time (becuase of some recent comments) and I suck at it now.  Back before the days of the Ronco Showtime Roastisserie I was eating tons of home baked chicken and had been cutting these birds up in about 85 seconds with a PR of 71 seconds.

3.42, 3.16

There's no emoticon for the level of shame I currently feel.

Anyway, these aren't even out of the oven, but are going to be re-donk.  Take the following and combine in a mortar and pestle:

• 1T ginger
• 1/2t nutmeg
• 1t black pepper
• 1t paprika
• 2t salt

Then, coat the chicken with them, cover the pieces with sesame seeds, some spicy olive oil, and a little toasted sesame oil.  The pic is a "this is what you should see before putting them in the oven" pic.  Oh yeah, and then bake for 40+ minutes at 400F.

Fajita Ratio

Properly balance fajitas ingredients

I know it sounds weird, but yes, there is a big controversy within the "Big Fajita Lobby".  Despite all culinary evidence to support the ratio of 1:2:2:2:TT of Onion to Bell Peppers to Chicken Breast to Medium Sized Tomato to Various oils with god knows what spices, people refuse to listen!?!  People have been brain washed by the rich mutha effing Onion Lobby that say it should be 1:1:1:1:TT. 

Nonsense.  We all know that, despite the fact that paleo fajitas are the least satisfying paleo subs, the ratio still holds.  One onion to two bell peppers, two chicken breasts, two tomatoes, to various oils and spices to taste!  We all know that fajitas+ flour tortillas + sour cream + MSG = Ecstasy.  So Paleo + 0 = Paleo appreciation of...  I guess that tastes good... 

Il Mio Pollo Pazzo

Lots of life synergy on this one...

Okay, so lots of things will come together here: lower calorie food, very few ingredients for new cooks (RD), paleo pantry material (i.e. foods that can be thrown in the fridge for the week), high protein, can be made from shit at Costco, can be added to fajitas, tacos, eggs, salads, bizarre 'Seafood of the Land' mix & match medelies, lettuce wrapped Paleo versions of your favorites, uhhhh.... and like virtually anything remotely tasting good with salsa or (more likely) Tapatio.

Il Mio Pollo Pazzo (Pronounced Polo)

Mix together equal parts:

• Paprika
• Oregano
• Cumin powder

Plus chicken, of course.  In my "Four Ingredient World" (This is an FYI, RD), I always comp olive oil, salt, pepper, and one stand by ingredient.  If you are cooking Italian, try tomatoes.  If Mexican, try vinegar (apple cider).  I added cayenne pepper for more heat.  Garlic would have passed, etc.  For George Foreman chefs, this is a well used experiment with that $24 spice rack.

Addendum:  Four ingredient meals are the truth, but also the exception.  Try my "Exempt 3+1", and I bet four seems like 4 million.  This flavor may even qualify as complex...

Addendum: blogger be fucking up yo.  What up with dat?

Sage Flavored Snapper, or More Effing Snapper?!?

In a long line of many similar snapper recipes, this finished off my 2+ pound snapper weekend.  These fillets are simply rubbed with salt, black and red pepper, tons of sage, granulated garlic and cooked in previously used oil (from lunch.  Mmmm recycled olive oil).  3+2 minutes and tada!  More fish!  I served this (to myself) with asparagus and that awesome frisse salad.

Frisse Salad with Mayo Dressing

This is super simple, two ingredient dish.  Take frisse lettuce and cut up, toss with Italian Mayonnaise.  I was going to eat this with snapper of course and everyone knows that mayo, lettuce and fish were seriously made for each other.  Crack pepper over this, and enjoy.

Italian Mayonnaise

So this is a little more yellow than Kraft and a little saucier than my original mayo recipe.  But it is re-donk in terms of flavor, and I'm going to parlay this into a lot of different shit right here on the blog.

• Two room temperature egg yolks
• 1 cup of canola oil
• 2T lemon juice/vinegar (I used the juice of 1/2 a lemon + the difference in white wine vinegar)
• 1/2t Ground Mustard
• Salt and pepper to taste

You can add anything to this: sage, basil, sun dried tomatoes, red bell peppers, garlic, cheeses (lots of 'em), horse radish, curry powder, chili powder, chili oil, gorgonzola, goat cheese, cilantro, limes, oranges, grapefruit, cream, Thai chilies, anchovies, etc.  Get real with what you want, and embrace anything.  Recognize your flavor goals and meet them with this base.  Fear not the mayonnaise.