Amazing Recipes for Uh-mazing People

Seasame grass fed beef and broccoli

2010-10-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

Lame pan shot of an amazingly easy dish

The idea for this dish is basically make some version of beef and broccoli that is amazingly simple and tastes amazing, without the MSG that so many of you all love. Simply dice an onion and saute it in coconut oil, ground ginger, crushed red pepper, 1T of fish sauce, salt and pepper. Add a little toasted sesame oil and cook onions for five or so minutes. Add a pound of grass fed ground beef and cook until almost done.

Now, take a head of broccoli and I want you to cut it in this manner: holding from the thick stem with the crown down on a cutting board, take a chef's knife and while slicing away from you, slowly rotate the stalk around as the florets fall off. You should notice that they fall away cleanly and easily, leaving you with the majority of the stalk left. Depending on how much broccoli you want to eat, you can either dice the stalk and saute it, or toss it. I tossed it this time.

So add the broccoli and cover. Steam for about three minutes. Salt and pepper this bad boy, and dust with sesame seeds. It should be pretty good.

Notes: One thing should stand out to a beginning or non-paleo cook: we don't serve this with soy sauce at all, but if you follow this recipe exactly, you would never notice. Every time I add a little Fish Sauce to anything while sauting initially it is to get the perception of fermentation in my final dish (which is what soy kinda tastes like, since it is actually fermented soy, much like fish sauce is fermented fish), while cooking off the over powering fish taste and smell. Its really common in my cooking and I would say, very misunderstood and certainly under utilized on other paleo blogs.

(Pasta-less) Primavera

2010-10-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

Spring vegetables in fall

Super interesting dish.

I conceptualized this dish by spinning off my favorite pasta dish that has a ton of veggies in it. My favorite pasta dish had butter, snow peas, lemons, cauliflower, shrimp, carrots, onions, parmasean cheese, salt, pepper, pasta and more! The taste is really fresh, and the butter-lemon combo is amazing. So here was the challenge: I only have almost one chicken breast (which was baked with Italian seasoning), two horse carrots, a head of broccoli, and a can of organic tomato sauce. I actually had pasta in the cupboard but couldn't bring myself to make it.

The key, in my mind, to make this dish successful would be to somehow get the background flavors correct, and then try to match forward flavors of course. So the background flavors are actually what cook out of, or into, the veggies. See if you can follow me: onions, once cooked, have very little flavor when not completely caramelized yet they are in virtually every dish. Why? Because they form the complex background taste we demand of almost every dish. Also, I know that the dish I normally makes steams the veggies in chicken broth; that would mean I need the background flavor of celery, even though its no where to be seen on any recipe. Also, I need to do something to compensate for the lack of hard, pungent Italian cheese. Get it? Match flavor profiles/ perceptions, match the reception of the dish, regardless of what you actually have.

McDonald's does this too, but they use chemicals.

Okay, so using extra light olive oil instead of butter (remember, extra light olive oil adds a rich taste which almost exactly matches the response you would get from cooking with butter) saute dehydrated onions, salt, pepper, ground mustard, celery salt, and, if you can believe this, plain old white vinegar. Saute this down a little. Add 2oz of water and simmer the chopped head of broccoli and the two sliced carrots uncovered for a couple minutes. Once the water is cooked off almost entirely, add a can of tomato sauce, simmer and reseason. Slice the small amount of chicken that you have (I had to add more vinegar and readjust the oil here to make those flavors stand out (which is the lemon-butter flavor)) and add it to the pot. Season, heat then eat.

What was really critical was the mustard and vinegar addition to cover the lemon and cheese missing. It was really a cool discovery, and a really cool dish.

Pineapple Pork Stir Fry

2010-10-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is something amazing

To make this, what you want to do is basically take your understanding of Thai flavors and turn it into an amazing pineapple dream dish. The pork I used is simple pork shoulder cut into bite sized pieces removing a lot but not all of the fat, because, lets face it, there is a lot of fat in pork shoulder. You want to cook it in coconut oil with ground ginger, ground lemon grass, salt, pepper, and crushed red pepper until almost cooked through. Add 1T of fish sauce to this. It will smell like shit, but it will cook off and you wont even notice it. Trust me. This comprehensive flavor combination will give is a slight citrus flavor (from the ginger and the lemon grass) with a little fermented back while bringing out the flavor of the pork meat, and the pork fat. And its kinda spicy, but not too spicy, which is nice. We are going to add some thinly sliced serranos later on, so be aware.

And be afraid.

Meanwhile, you want to cook more coconut oil in a separate 5 quart pan, with more salt, pepper, and ground ginger. Once those flavors combine, add a head a chopped broccoli and 2oz of water and steam briefly (about 5 minutes on very low heat). Once the pork is almost cooked, take the juice of a 20oz can of pineapple chunks and pour it over the pork for it to stew in. Take a few chunks and throw them in too. Then, add the majority of the pineapple chunks to the broccoli. Continue to simmer uncovered while doing the next steps.

Take two serrano peppers and very thinly slice them. With a minute left of cooking (you'll know when this is when the pineapple juice becomes something like pineapple syrup) and add the peppers. Finish the minute out.

Plate the broccoli and pineapple. Scoop pork and sauce over it. Garnish with cilantro and squeeze lime over it.

This dish is a dream if you do it right.

Balsamic Braised Ham with Italian Vegetables

2010-09-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

A lot of people ask me when you typically run out of Paleo ideas?

This is paleo recipe number 200. It turns out that ideas dry up in the 150's someplace.

So I have the big trip to Arizona in a few days and I needed to make sure my ducks were in a row, I was therefore, fairly brief with my cooking exploits tonight. That being said, I had some ingredients on hand and a willing guinea pig in my room mate before I actually had to post this award winning ham dish.

Here is the scenario: I bought a 2 pound ham, which I thought I would be eating for breakfast, but quickly realized that I was running out of time. Also, I had purchased both summer squash and tomatoes that needed to be devoured before Friday night (which I have to spend at my Father's house before the trip). I would have thought that these ingredients were a lame simple flavor combination that we know will work, but is it amazing? Here's how to make it great.

The idea behind this dish is to find an Italian flavored substitute for those who might crave pasta. Pasta is fairly flavorless, and more of a carrier of sauce than a signature taste. Therefore, if we use something almost equally flavorless that can be cooked al dente and that can carry a similar amount of sauce as pasta, it should be a perfect substitute. This can be accomplished by any number of vegetables, but I had summer squash.

So, to cook squash al dente, you need all portions of a cut up squash to cook to the same firmness, at the same time. This can never be accomplished by trying to Julianne long strips of squash. Rather, and for the same reason frozen squash only comes thickly sliced, we have to thickly slice this squash to make it al dente. 3/8" thick slices work perfectly.

To cook the veggies you need to sauté the classic 5 Italian seasons together with a little garlic. The classic five are: oregano (pungent), sage (pungent), basil (minty), thyme (minty), and rosemary (floral). Use a good amount of olive oil, like 1/4 cup for 5 squashes, and heat the herbs with garlic on very low heat for a while. Then, sauté the squash, covered, for ten plus minutes. Stir five or six times. And when you are ready to combine with the ham, turn off the heat and add three thickly diced tomatoes. Stir for a few minutes unheated.

Meanwhile, cut about a half pound of ham into bite sized pieces. Put 2T of extra virgin olive oil in a pan a sauté with a minced garlic clove and 1t of crushed red pepper, salt and pepper, and 2T of balsamic vinegar. This one step is the big deviation from anything I have ever done. I never emulsify balsamic in boiling olive oil. I will now start doing it all the time, it was amazing. Add the ham and oil-braise until seared (ham is already cooked). Stir in veggies and serve with excess olive oil.

Amazing.

PS I put shaved Parmesan on this and it was even better.

Evolution 2 Point Oh

2010-09-02T23:34:00.001-07:00

Trouble meets California

Roasted Pineapple Salsa

2010-09-02T23:04:00.001-07:00

This is the roasted part

There is a new taco stand on the pier near my house and they only serve one thing, guess what? Tacos. Anyway, I ventured over there on a lunch break and it was almost a complete failure of a work time lunch break: slow, virtually no To-go packing, zero organization, zero completion on correct orders, they charge for onions and cilantro, etc. That being said, their inane business plan actually turns out tasty, though misplaced/ mis-plated food. One of the things they sold was a roasted pineapple salsa (I know, selling salsa? Fail). Their's was bizarre to me since I figured it would be roasted pieces of pineapple that were cut up and served with cilantro and peppers. I was totally wrong, but it was an enjoyable embarrassment which led to this recreation. Its good, enjoy!

Roasted Pineapple Salsa

Take about 2p of organic heirloom tomatoes and broil them on high 6" away from heating element for 20 minutes, or until they look like the picture above. A better plan is to actually BBQ them. Anyway, blend those tomatoes with 6 Serrano peppers, a whole yellow onion, 3 cloves of garlic, 2t of salt, 1t of pepper, and just about 2T of white vinegar. Add all the chunks of a 20+ oz can of diced pineapples and a little juice. Blend until smooth enough to pass through a squirt bottle.

A spicy sweet salsa

This will be good on anything salty, especially pork.

A Chicken in Every Pot #3

2010-08-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

High approval rating

Though I have never made this before, I was just trying to rip off as many classical flavor combinations as I could to pull this chicken off for a party. I was surprised by how simple it is, and how much people really liked eating it. It only has a few ingredients, but the cooking methodology was complicated and very time consuming.

I would call this the:

Lemon-less Asparagus Stewed Chicken

I took a few organic carrots (which I only mention since they were small, and if you are using normal Globo store carrots, less than one would work) and very finely minced them with the tops of a head of celery. The tops are the parts that you would not normally serve on a party platter, its the weird section with leaves above the stalk. Add a finely sliced shallot to this and sauté.

Dismember a chicken, season well, and slowly render the excess fat from the chicken in the pot with the veggies. I also cooked the neck in this part of the recipe since I was making something up for the first time, and planning on taking it to a party where I told people to expect good chicken. I used the neck as a taste tester. Cook some fresh sage in here too, maybe a hand full. Oh yeah, I'll write something up on rendering here soon for Faith.

For this chicken, I actually fried the pieces with the excess fat still in the pan to save time, and then through the excess fat away later. After cooking all the pieces of chicken for four minutes per side, I added fresh carrots, onion, and celery, cut very small in similar fashion to what you get in concentrated canned Campbell's soup, so small. I cooked those breifly with like 6 bay leaves and a little celery salt. Cook this for five minutes and adjust seasoning so that it tastes perfectly right now.

Now, add about 2-3c of chardoney and simmer for 1/2 an hour, or until you are happy with the taste (should be semi sweat with no alcohol taste). Add 28oz of diced orgamic canned tomatoes. Stew for 10 minutes. Adjust seasoning again until it tastes perfect, until you serve it, this will be the last time you can season easily.

After this step, I planted the chicken into the wine/tomato broth. I cut up a bunch of asparagus, put it in a bag, and I threw like 3T of capers into the pot before covering it up and driving it to the party. Once there, I added about three cups of water to the pot and simmered for 45 minute. Add the asparagus 7 minutes before serving and season to perfection.

Serve every piece individually and with substantial broth.

A Chicken in Every Pot #2

2010-08-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

This Thai version was a cinnamon dream

As I gain confidence in this method of cooking, the dishes are becoming more elaborate and more complex in methodology. I'm sure this one was more complicated than most people would want to attempt, but it was so good that I ate the whole thing in one night. It was absolutely amazing.

Step one is to prep your fat for frying the chicken initially. I took a small amount of spicy extra light olive oil and sauted a fairly large minced shallot with the excess fat that I saved from dismembering the chicken into 12 pieces. I cooked the skin pieces until the fat was rendered off. To that fat I added celery salt and lots of black pepper. I took the skins out and through them away.

Step two is to fry the chicken for four minutes per side and then save fat. Step three is the most important: make a pasty roux type thing out of that fat using Thai flavors. Mince up two serranos, 3" of fresh ginger, 3 heaping teaspoons of cinnamon and a small amount of ground cloves, 2T fish sauce, juice of two limes, 1t of ground ginger (the fresh wasn't enough), and of course salt and pepper. Once that tastes the way you want it, add 4c of Brandon's Paleo Broth, and bring to a boil.

Step four is to slow cook the chicken. Submerge the chicken and simmer for about an hour, rotating as needed. Add two more serranos and some coarse cut green onions with 5 minutes left. Garnish with cilantro and lime, and serve with juice. It is amazing.

Seven Ingredient Fajitas

2010-08-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

Seven ingredient paleo fajitas

Fajitas, as tasty as they are, are almost only meat, onions, and peppers. Sure my recipe has those, but it is amazing with only, like, 6 more things, two of which are salt and pepper and therefore do not count.

Using extra light olive oil, a huge pinch of oregano, and another huge pinch of cumin powder, cook an onion, sliced in half and then thinly into half rings, a minced habanero pepper, and two similarly cut red bell peppers until almost finished. Place in bowl.

I then cooked rare a thinly sliced (which I sliced myself) grass fed cow's shoulder, known as a Clod Roast in the remnant of the onion/bell pepper juice and it was after prepping those amazing veggies. Season and garnish with cilantro. I used an avocado and tapatio to finish this off. It is so easy, and so amazing. Try it.

A Chicken in Every Pot #1

2010-08-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

More satisfying than a one term president

I'm trying to make a new deal with myself: be healthier, try harder, be responsible and reap the rewards. And I used to live four miles away from where Herbert Hoover was born. I realize he wasn't the New Deal president, but whatever.

But seriously, these chicken are remarkably tasty and very easy to make, as they require virtually no exact timing or measurements. [Aside: these are all vaguely similar to Pollo Alla Cacciatora]. To make this version of my pot chicken (*bites knuckles*) I dismembered a chicken into 12 pieces (2 wings with winglet removed, 2 legs, 2 thighs, the back cut in two, and 2 breasts cut into four pieces) and fried them for four minutes a side in olive oil and dehydrated onions, then drained it.

Then, in the juice left over, I added 2t celery salt, 30 grinds from the pepper mill, a diced onion, two huge pinches of dried rosemary and one huge pinch of dried basil. Add a minced habanero pepper. Add 10oz oz mushrooms, sliced. Add lemon juice and white vinegar (both very sort of inexact squeezes and pours). *Important* Adjust seasoning right now until it tastes perfect. Add a 28oz can of petite diced tomatoes. Simmer and re-season. Add chicken back to pot, covering all pieces. Cover with steam hole open and allow to simmer off as much liquid as possible in an hour. The meat should fall off the bone.

Vince and I can't get enough of this stuff.

Now where is that car in my garage?

Rory's Blended Chicken

2010-08-13T21:38:00.001-07:00

Ecto Cooler marinade

This is a classic of mine, refined and adapted. The story behind it is that when I was living in Iowa City with my brother Dustan, we went to the store with Rory (Dustan's friend) and he said he would buy dinner, if only I would cook something amazing. He got a habanero/ cilantro/ lemon/ garlic Rory's Special Chicken, consisting of only thighs, bone in and skinless (my personal favorite chicken piece). After a few iterations of this dish I had to start calling it Rory's Famous Chicken, as its number of followers grew. But since I was cutting it all by hand before, and it never looked anything like this, I have adapted the name: Rory's Blended Chicken. Pre-Presented to the world: Rory's Blended Chicken.

Blend:

1 bunch cilantro
3 habaneros
3 serranos
1/2 onion
6 garlic cloves
lots of olive oil, as required (good luck)
white vinegar, as required (also)
Salt

Dismember two chickens and marinate over night in two bags. Barbecue over coals. Serve raw dog: meat only, it needs nothing else. (Notice: no lemon?)

Will we miss the lemon? Let's see what happens. My taster said that the up front taste is amazing and the back end heat is too hot. Let's see what happens when we cook it...

Clash Events - Four of 'em

2010-08-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

Should I tape my hands? WWRDD?

WOD #1
"The Laundromat"

For time:
35 Box Jumps (Males - 24", Females - 20")
Pull-ups (Males - 25 CTB Pull-ups, Females - 25 Pull-ups)
20 Ground-to-Overheads (Males - 95lbs, Females - 65lbs)
15 Forward Rolls
20 Ground-to-Overheads (Males - 95lbs, Females - 65lbs)
Pull-ups (Males - 25 CTB Pull-ups, Females - 25 Pull-ups)
35 Box Jumps (Males - 24", Females - 20")

WOD #2
"The Triple Crown"

PART A:
Athlete has 8 minutes to establish a 7-Rep Max Front Squat

* If the athlete gets the weight locked out overhead after their 7th Rep (no thrusters), 20lbs/15lbs will be added to that score for men/women respectively.

**If the bar drops to the ground at any point, the athlete must find a way by him or herself (either by stripping off the weight or by cleaning the bar) to get it back onto the racks if they wish to go for another attempt.

Rest 2 Minutes (walk to start of Part B)

PART B:
In 5 Minutes:
Run 600m, then
AMRAP Burpees

*Athlete will be scored by how many burpees they complete within the time frame.

**Burpees will be done with a lateral jump over a parallette.

Rest 4 minutes (get set up for Part C)

PART C:
In 90 Seconds:
(RAMMAP) Row As Many Meters As Possible

* Athletes may use whatever damper setting/footpad setting as desired.

Score all events individually. 1 point for 1st, 3 for 2nd, 5 for 3rd, 6 for 4th, 7 for 5th.

Low score wins.

WWRDD?

If I Was Programming The Clash 2010

2010-08-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

The Clash 2009 Final Event, Men's Heat

If I were programming The Clash 2010, my WODs would be:

WOD #1

21-15-9

One arm KB hang squat snatch (1.5p/1p)

Power Cleans (95#/65#)

C2B Pull Ups

WOD #2

5 Burpee Bar Up-and-overs (like the wall burpees at the Games, but over pull up bars)

3 Rounds

10 Dead Lift (295#/195#)

30 Unbroken WBs to 11'

200m run

5 Burpee Bar Up-and-overs

Thoughts? Strategy? Estimated winning times? I'm going to try these some day.

Red Snapper Ceviche (There should be some food talk...)

2010-08-07T00:58:00.000-07:00

This is easy, FIY

Red Snapper Ceviche

A1. Acid Poach Red Snapper for Flavor

3.5p Red Sanpper diced

8 limes juiced

2 lemons juiced

1 huge pinch of shredded red onion

Lots of salt

Pepper TT

(Cover and rest 4+ hours)

A2. Make Ceviche

Drain A1

Add over 1.75 shredded red onion

1.25p diced heir loom tomatoes

7-8 diced magic pepper

1 bunch of minced cilantro

10+ limes, juiced

2+ lemons, juiced

Salt and Pepper TT

Rest 30 minutes

Orange Paprika Guacamole (Part 4 of 4 Amazing Shit for You to Put on Ceviche)

2010-08-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

It looks normal, but it blows people away

Orange Paprika Guacamole (Amazing)

3 perfectly ripe avocados

5 mini heirloom tomatoes, diced

1/32 bunch of cilantro, finely minced

1t ground paprika

1 big pinch of shredded red onion

2 serranos, diced

The juice of 1 orange

Stir that shit up. Try to minimize the number seeds in the end product.

This simple guac stomps peoples taste buds. Most people hit up Tapatio; paprika bitches, paprika.

Ruben's Tweaked Salsa (Part 3 of 4 Toppings for Ceviche)

2010-08-07T00:21:00.001-07:00

Left most red one that looks like earlier posts

Ruben's Tweaked Salsa

1/2 Portion of my now famous Ruben's salsa

1/4 of a large yellow onion

Here is the thing: in a stand-up showdown with Ruben's Salsa, my recipe won the taste competition, but I personally lost the 'match the salsa' competition. Our intern, upon hearing of the massive missive, said something like 'onions are watery.' and I was like, 'You're right.' So add the onion, right? Its good, but I can't tell the difference; but that's what the competition taught us, right?

Chipotle White Sauce (Part 2 of 4 Salsas for Ceviche)

2010-08-07T00:05:00.001-07:00

To the right this time, not really white

Chipotle White Sauce (Jury's Out)

You know that funky sauce they have at some fish taco stands? This is like that.

3.5oz canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce

Juice of 2 limes pressed

Salt and pepper to taste

16oz Sour Cream

Blend the peppers and everything except sour cream first. Then slowly blend sour cream in. Use a squeeze bottle with a large hole since the skins have trouble when blended at slower speeds.

I thought it was too creamy, but chicks were digging it for some reason. My jury was out, but the verdict is in: Guilty of being delicious. Success.

Mango Pineapple Salsa (Part 1 of 4 Sauces for Ceviche)

2010-08-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

Its the one in the middle this time

Mango Pineapple Salsa (Amazing)
3/2 of sweet sweet mango flesh
3/2c of canned pineapple with juice
1/4 red onion
4 serranos
1/16 bunch of cilantro
Salt TT

Blend the fruit, peppers and onions and shit smooth. Slow your blender and add the cilantro so it stays visible. The serranos turn it green, so if you want yellow salsa, just don't blend the green stuff. Actually, you dont need to blend this at all, but it just works amazingly well for serving ceviche with 4 different salsas.

This is a work breakfast dish. I liked this salsa the most, but there were people that liked all of the them.

Thai Green Bean and Pork Red Curry

2010-08-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

I thought to myself: you have green beans, you have pork...

What is fun about this dish: no trips to the grocery. I've got some inflammation, so I'm going for the anti-inflammatory foods when I can. If you avid readers remember, green beans are highly anti-inflammatory. The basics of any red curry are easy (red curry + coconut milk), making anything stand out through those two flavors is fairly ridiculous, you have to chose something bold, and then use a lot of it. Here is what I tried.

Okay so here is what we need:

1p green beans, snipped
1p quartered cremini mushrooms
1 thinly sliced onion, halved
1 minced magic hot pepper (something at the farmers market that said: CAUTION HOT HOT HOT)
3p sliced pork loin (Into thin strips)
2 limes *bold*
1T ground ginger *bold*
3-5T coconut oil?
3T dried basil *bold*
3 bay leaves
2t celery salt
2T fish sauce
1/2t dried thyme

You need a massive pan to cook this much food, so be aware ahead of time. Pre-cook the snipped green beans in a cup of water and 1t of celery salt for 4 minutes. Drain and rinse in cold water. Save in a bowl.

Sauté the quartered mushrooms in some coconut oil (which is called oil, but is more like congealed wax in a jar that needs to be slowly scraped out and not refrigerated (somehow)) with salt and pepper. Add the thinly slice onion when nearly tender. Finish cook the mushrooms and drain if necessary.

So then use some more coconut oil to meld together the ginger, 1T of the basil leaves, magic hot pepper, and pepper. Once heated, raise heat a little and throw in the pork. Then, zest both limes until they look like little soccer balls. Add can of red curry paste. Add two cups of Paleo Broth (2c water, 1t celery salt, 1/2t thyme, 3 bay leaves, boiled briefly). Boil. Add green beans, mushrooms, and onions. Re-boil. Add fish sauce and stir. Add remaining basil. Add coconut milk. Heat until satisfied with consistency. Squeeze the juice of both limes, saving a little for when you dish it out.

Enjoy.

PS -

"I've never tasted anything like this. It's awesome" - V. Wainwright

"You've never had Thai curry before?" - B. Brooks

It took us 1.425 days to eat the 6+ pounds of food in this dish (dinners and breakfasts only)

Mint Sesame Red Snapper

2010-07-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

It was way better than the picture makes it seem...

10 Minute Meal #1: Snapper and Greens

2010-07-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

Eat my dust Rachel Ray

Here is a 10 minute meal. Its balanced, nutritious and not half-baked from an effing can. Paleo can be rapid as well. 3, 2, 1, go...

Take 3oz of water and boil with salt and pepper. Heat on high until steaming, not boiling. Add about 8 leaves of cut up collard greens. Cover and only turn once in 7-10 minutes.

Meanwhile, heat a pan to semi-high heat with olive oil, dehydrated onion, and a little lemon juice. Salt and pepper some red snapper. Add a couple scoops of capers while cooking. Cook in pan for 3 minutes per side, do not over do it.

Strain greens, place fish on top. Garnish with capers and the juice of a half lemon. Sub 10.

Time...

Anaheim Stuffed Peppers with Peach Puree

2010-07-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

I thought about calling these puppies Paleo Enchiladas, but, nah

The goal here was to make a delicious peachy-spicy meat filled dish, but it just wasn't peachy enough. There is a lot to be learned from this, so even though it didn't come out the way that I wanted it too, I'll share the journey and you can make awesome food from learning where others have failed.

I wet-chopped about 8 cremini mushrooms, and sauted those with a very thinly sliced onion and a pound of spicy Italian sausage. This was the major mistake of the day, the pre-spiced Italian sausage dominated every other flavor I could throw at this dish, and if I could have found ground pork (or even if I had defrosted some grass fed ground beef) it would have turned out much the way I had envisioned. Lesson: season your own meat. This is much like making you own salsa, or mayo, or anything. Make your own shit, its not hard and its way better.

Anyway, meanwhile, roast about ten Anaheim/Hatch chili peppers in a 400F oven for about 10-15 minutes or until they blister. Also meanwhile. puree two peaches in a blender until extremely smooth with skin either pulverized or removed (depending on blender). Here is another flailing attempt: peach flavor does not dominate food like peach candy does. Two solutions: add sugar, or reduce for hours. I added some peach puree to the meat/mushroom/onion mix and simmered for 15 minutes. Cool meat mixture. Cool peppers in cool water.

Cut the tops off the peppers, remove seeds, and stuff with meat mixture. I recommend not taking the skin off of the peppers for this enterprise. Most foodies want you to remove it because it is harder to eat, but those people normally do not stuff skinny long peppers (normally it is for sliced bell peppers or for rellenos). If you want to remove them before services, do it carefully. Re-bake for ten minutes and cover in peach puree and garnish with cilantro.

Very easy, could be amazing, but I missed the mark. Not peachy enough.

Amazed

2010-07-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

Kristin Clever and Iceland Annie, the two fittest women on Earth (www.crossfit.com)

Little can be said about the CrossFit Games 2010 that will do it justice. I could use words like 'amazing,' 'unbelievable,' 'awe inspiring,' 'savage,' 'brutal,' and 'heroic' but none can truly convey the feeling that was left in all of us by watching these athletes tough it out through nine events in less than 48 hours.

Only an absolute monster could even make it to the Games, and only the very best of the best have a realistic shot at winning. It becomes impossible to explain how hard these events are to a mortal who has never done a WOD, or tried to finish one. But even those of us who do hard work outs and can appreciate the scope of skills and athletic prowess of these athletes can hardly imagine anyone rising to the heights of these athletes. The two women pictured (Kristin Clever, 1st place, and Annie Thorisdottier, 2nd place) were the most fun to watch, and my favorites of the 2010 Games.

Kristin won 5 events and got 3 runner ups out of 9 events. Annie won the other 4, and got second and third in two other events. The picture above had the crowd roaring during the Pyramid Double Helen: after a 1200m run, 63 kettle bells, 36 pull ups, 800m run, 42 kettle bells, 24 pull ups, and a 400m run Annie had a 20m lead as she stepped over her kettle bell and took three or fourth breaths. Kristin ran straight to her kettle bell, turned and faced Annie, picked up her bell and started swinging. The race was on. Annie and Kristin were swinging in unison as they struggled to finish an epic event. Annie won by a small margin, and then Kristin, 90 seconds later, won the third event by jerking #205 from behind her head. Unbelievable.

There were two other events that went Annie's way with Kristin right behind, but in the end, Kristin blew Annie out of the water on all of her wins for the over all title. Watching the two together was my favorite part of the Games and it is something I will never forget. It was one of my favorite weekends of all time, and Kristin and Annie became my new heroes.

WWRDD?

2010-07-15T23:33:00.001-07:00

What would Raw Dog do? Raw dog that sh!t, obviously. Get your's for $20.

Hit that shit raw dog

Lemony Yellow Zucchini Soup

2010-07-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, the zucchini is yellow too

Again, www.vitamix.com, can't say enough good things about that company's flagship product.

Take five yellow zucchinis and cut stem and end off and cut into quarters. Cut an onion into eighths, and cut two carrots into halves. Simmer with bay leaves, a cup of water, a lot of olive oil, a restrained amount of red pepper, the juice of a whole lemon, salt, and pepper for 10+ minutes.

Blend on high for 4 minutes, adding olive oil as needed (imagine anticipating that need!).

Meanwhile, slowly heat extra virgin olive oil, about a T of anchovy paste, and three or four slices of lemon rind. Simmer that for as long as you can. I might actually advise to use a lot more lemon rind and to saute it till it is edible, slice and then serve it inside the soup.

Anyway, return soup to heat after blending for 10 minutes on simmer. Serve with oil drizzled over it. It is really good.

The drizzled oil makes it

Island Thai-napple Chicken Wings

2010-07-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

The secret is in the pineapple

When stuck on some god forsaken island chain in the heartless, ice-blue, tropical hell called Hawai'i, one results to cooking things with island themes. Two island themes in this one: Asian things, and pineapple. This earned me a top chef spot at an imaginary Dive Bar where there are jazz musicians and scuba equipment for sale. Literally.

Make a rub of ground ginger, salt, pepper, and dehydrated onions. Rub it all over the wings and grill them to perfection.

Here is an interesting way to get great pineapple flavor: from a pineapple. Cut a pineapple up into disks and remove the outer shit, you know what I mean, but I don't know what it is called, you know, that artichoke fish scale of prickly things? Anyway, save the slices in a big bowl to collect juice. Grill the pineapple and then return to dish to catch even more juice.

Then toss the wings with the pineapple juice, fish sauce and cayenne red pepper sauce (1:4 ratio at least) and sprinkle cilantro on it. Supplement with pineapple chunks as required.

Turkey Chicken Wings

2010-07-10T16:23:00.001-07:00

I got this idea from a Turk named Ilker

I made some Island Thai-neapple Spicy Wings while traveling to foreign lands and got inspired to make something weird from another country, Turkey.

Make a rub in mortar and pestle of:

2t dried dill
2t paprika
2t salt
2t pepper
1/2t celery salt
1/2t dried basil

Rub it all over about 40 wings, grill and serve with green onion mayo. Amazing alone, even better together.

Love that blender.

Green Onion Mayonnaise

2010-07-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

Who knows if this is good for anything except what comes next...

This is a pretty decent mayo on its own, in my humble opinion, oniony and lemony. I would imagine you could make this with lime juice and that might rad too.

Green Onion Mayo

In a blender, combine three egg yolks, the juice of a large lemon, 1/2t of ground mustard, 1 t salt, and black pepper. Blend and add 6 green onions, then slowly pour in a cup of extra light olive oil.

This is to be served with Dill-Paprika chicken wings. Awesome combination.

Island Onion Mango Salad

2010-07-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

This is bizarre to me, but everyone loved it

This dish was inspired by a successful food experience at the Blue Water Shrimp and Fish Market where a mango salsa featured prominently on their plates and worked well with virtually everything that they served (I'll talk about that restaurant later in a review). So I thought to myself, self, if it works well with everything there, why wouldn't it work well with everything here?

I contemplate profound issues.

Also, I am not allowed to use tomatoes when making food that will be eaten by Alex (same Top Ramen Alex from earlier), so the salsa dish needed to evolve somewhat.

Island Onion Mango Salad

Slice a red onion into thin rings and quarter (alternatively, quarter the onion and slice into thin arcs), also thinly slice two serrano peppers into thin rings. Sauté on medium heat for 10 minutes in extra light olive oil, not extra virgin (huge difference). Meanwhile, dice three fairly large mangoes. After the onions are fairly tender, reduce heat to low and stir in mango chunks. Simmer this for a minute and then remove from heat to cool to room temperature. Squeeze fresh lime juice on it and enjoy.

Island Cabbage Maingot Salad

2010-07-06T00:20:00.000-07:00

Even Alex eats these veggies

I think this is the fourth version of this Cole slaw we have seen on keep your fucking chest up dot com, and this one got two Gas Station Eaters to mack it down and come back for more.

1/2 shredded cabbage (can be shredded in a blender in less a second, FIY)
3/4 julienned red bell pepper
1 diced mango
4T chopped cilantro
3 thinly sliced scallions
2 minced red jalapeños
Extra light olive oil
Apple cider vinegar

The only reason this recipe gets posted a fourth time is simple: multiple technical knife cuts. Look them all up.

I can't believe I just gave Paleo SAT words to blog readers to research... Anyway, if you want to learn to cook, look it up.

Island Poke Avocado Salad

2010-07-05T23:54:00.000-07:00

Excellent fat, excellent protein, excellent taste

I think this is easy: take delicious raw Ahi tuna, a little chili pepper, a little green onion, a little toasted sesame oil, some macadamia nuts, some avocado, mix it together then raw dog that shit. Kat mixed this little beauty up and we had to cover it and put it away because we would never stop eating up.

Island Smoked Paprika Ribs

2010-07-05T23:22:00.001-07:00

The food in Hawai'i has been not amazing

I think I like the carrots out here, but the food has been shitty. I've thrown away three meals in four days, so I gave up and we started making our own food. This rub is rad and since we are rocking the propane in a ridiculous anti-paleo household (think 40 pack of Ramen noodles, instant hot chocolate, etc.) this is a fantastic way to raw dog it.

The Smokey Paprika Rub

3T Dried onion

3t salt

3t smoked paprika

1t ground mustard

2t black pepper

2T ground sage

Now what I did was put these puppies in the oven for two hours at like 255-300F (started hot, cooled after 40 minutes). Then, finished then on a gas grill. Amazing. Take that HI food!

I Climb Buoys

2010-07-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Do the snorkel and mask make me look really white?

I like that Alex looks like she is only wearing flippers.

And don't call them fins. They're flippers.

Frog

2010-07-03T13:03:00.001-07:00

Thai Pesto Chicken

2010-06-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have this lying around in my kitchen on a Wednesday

This is a fantastic chicken sauce, marinade, or even a bomb pasta sauce. It combines the ideals of pesto sauce, with the flavors of great Thai food, with the American values of grilled chicken. It gets spicy, sweet, sour, salty, grilled, creamy, cheesy, etc. Its really good.

C'mon you didn't think I'd go on vacay without creating something to get rid of my stock piled food, did you?

Marinade slash Sauce slash Baste

First make the sauce thing. You can use this as a marinade if you plan ahead, but if you are like me you needed this spur of the moment, and you can use it like a baste. Also, if you have meat to dip, you can use this as a sauce. Its fairly re-donk.

In a blender, combine:

1 bunch of Thai basil leaves, no stems
4 garlic cloves
3 Serrano chilies
1T fish sauce
1/2c water
1 celery stalk
2T olive oil
Juice of 1 lime

It should look like Fig. 2.

Figure 2. What it should look like. Blender needs to be fast to make it this green.

Dismember a chicken (61 seconds, no PR but still 10 seconds faster than my PR from a week ago). Coat in salt and pepper. Grill for 30 out of a planned 40 minutes for a chicken (let this requirement dictate heat levels). Once almost done, baste like in Fig. 3.

Figure 3. Basting in the glory

Toss and then re-grill that shit. Flip and re-baste. Cook the sauce onto the chicken and you have a freaking spicy, delicious Thai Pesto Chicken.

So Close to Ruben's Salsa

2010-06-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

Its important to have goals, but salsa goals are especially important

This journey of matching Ruben's Burrito's salsa has continually amazed me in how simple their recipe must truly be. This version is super tasty, super simple, and gives great insight as to what they actually must be doing.

Fresh Version of Ruben's Salsa

5 Tomatoes, medium, red, ripe tomatoes
4 Unseeded Serrano peppers (mine were green, but red work too)
1/2 t Granulated garlic
1 T Plain white vinegar
4 Big pinches of salt
1 t Crushed red pepper
2 t Organic tomato paste

Notice: absolutely no cilantro. None needed, none used by Ruben's. Here is a realization I came too as I had to supplement my fresh design with dried peppers and tomato paste to match the color: Ruben probably cuts huge corners by using things like canned, crushed tomatoes instead of fresh, and if I had to bet, some cheap garlic salt that may contain MSG (because the cheaper they are, the more likely they are to have nasty chemicals, and their salsa is so effing addictive).

My Ojai constituency tells me that, though this is too tomato-y it is super close to Ruben's, and I concede that yes, it is too tomato-y, but that is a function of the tomato paste to match the color.

Next time: canned tomatoes and then rolling into Ruben's with a ketchup bottle of this stuff to have a taste off with the employees.

Paleo Baked Almond Pork Chop

2010-06-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

For easing back off of junk food, shake and bake style

I am in love with this dish. Maybe it is because I have been eating so much beef recently and anything not beef will make me drool, but I think I really like it because of the taste. The idea is to make a fairly crusty, yet moist, fatty and delicious pork chop. Sorry about the lack of precision here, it really makes no difference, but just make sure you can taste what you add, or what is the effing point?

I recently dried an entire bunch of fresh sage, and I used the vast majority in this dish. In a mortar and pestle, add the majority of a dried bunch of sage with a couple pinches of super coarse sea salt. Grind smooth, take out all large stems. Throw that into a shallow baking dish with (i'm guessing) 1/2c of almond flour. Then, since I also dried some fresh thyme, add some dried thyme! Also add cayenne pepper, dehydrated onions (which are awesome), black pepper, and maybe a little granulated garlic, if that is what you are into.

Drege chops, rinsed but not dried, through the mix on both sides. Bake for 15 minutes at 400F. These were thin chops so you have to adjust according to height, heat, fat rendering desires, quantity, etc.

Fantasticly good, paleo common

For me, the fat was crispy enough, the meat was moist, the flavoring was spicy, sage-ee and most importantly, delicious. I just gave a chop to my roommate to eat with chili. I ate it alone, and then later with soup covered in chorizo. Both were amazing. Although this recipe is far from anyone's consideration of gourmet, it is very good for comfort food.

My dad hates non-conventional foods (for the most part). He loves things like spaghetti, chicken wings, garlic bread, subway sandwiches, cheese, baked beans, and potato salad from the deli counter. All of those things are very very easy to make. In fact, they are so easy to make that you can make them, freeze them, sell them, thaw them, cook them, and then eat them off of paper plates.

My dad would love this dish. There are some hard nuts to crack for pro-paleo eating, and this might be the right hammer to bring.

Two Kinds of Salsa

2010-06-10T22:15:00.001-07:00

Blenders like this make rad salsa, authentic restaurant style

Salsa in mexican and Eye-talian, means sauce. These sauces are great and I am currently using them for salad dressings, dips, and crock pot stew juice for a pork shoulder.

Here is the low down on good salsa: it is effing simple and should be simple. Generally, there is truly one consistent ingredient in salsa: tomatoes. There are three secondary ingredients that are almost universally applied in combinations of one, two, or three with tomatoes. Here is a short list of notables with these Super 4:

Pico de gallo: Tomato (fresh), Onion, Cilantro, Peppers

Tomatillo: Tomatillo (green tomatoes, fresh), onion, cilantro, peppers, garlic and vinegar

Pace Picante: Tomato sauce (canned), tomatoes (canned), onions (?), peppers (?)

Traditional hand cut home made: Super 4 + salt + vinegar + citrus

Salsa is very very easy to make and should be made at least 6-250 times per year depending on usage. If we look at what these salsas above and see what they work with we can learn tons about how to make useful salsa.

Pico is good for chips and cheap shitty burritos. It is also a decent start for ceviche.

Tomatillo is very diversely popular for everything from enchiladas to pork roasts to rices to chips. Very very useful.

Pace is about as bad as I can imagine. Pace is the purpose of this post.

Traditional tastes like what we are trying to accomplish. Almost universal in application.

Knowing the Super 4 and seeing some examples can give you an idea of how salsas can be tailored. I would contend that cilantro is the dominant flavor that people associate with mild salsas, where hot salsas do not really need that much of the Chinese parsley, nor is it missed or noticed. I would also note that some people do not like onions (which makes them horrible food critics, I would say).

Anyway, I have made two salsas in the recent days and here is how and why I did what I did.

Chasing Ruben
For more than a decade Ruben's Burritos has had the best burrito salsa I have ever tasted. Here is my first attempt. I missed on a lot of fronts to match Ruben's, but next time I'll get it closer.

Blend 5 cubed fresh tomatoes, 2 jalapenos, a cubed onion, 10 stems of cilantro, garlic powder, salt, pepper, apple cider vinegar.

Result: too much cilantro, too much vinegar, maybe needs more garlic powder and way more heat. Consistancy was too watery. Appearance was too green. It was fairly rapidly devoured for its high content of delishisness. Changes to come, I think I'll have it in two or three more trys, and then we move for patents.

Chipoltee
Take a few chipotle peppers and add to blender with one onion, one tomato, a cup of water, salt and pepper, and a little cider vinegar. I used this to marinade and then crock for 30+ hours a pork shoulder. People loved it. It was very very similar to the tabasco brand chipotle sauce they sell at the stores.

More salsa to come.

Oyster Mushroom Sardine Soup

2010-06-01T22:21:00.001-07:00

This is a way to test your ideas (a very simple example)

The soup made yesterday on keep your fucking chest up dot com was epic. Though many thought that surely I could not have made my best dish out of asparagus and dried anchovies, I tried an experiment to give credence to my contentions that it truly is epic.

The Challenge: Make a better soup using the same fundamental ideas, with slightly different ingredients. Asparagus yesterday, fresh oyster mushrooms today. Dried Asian anchovy yesterday, dried Asian sardine today. All else was a wash.

The Conclusion: That asparagus shit was seriously, a home run. This mushroom dish was fine, but you should go heavy sardine, heavy sardine soaking oil, lemon squeeze required. Would be better with heavy cream (Almost Paleo).

Sardines were by far the best part, but too big for small bites.

Also Maybe The Best Beef Ever

2010-05-31T22:07:00.003-07:00

http://www.bestbeefever.com/ literally

Salt, fresh ground pepper, grill 6 minutes, 6 minutes. Cold center. MacGruber.

It literally makes me drool thinking about grass fed beef. It tells me a lot actually: people love good meat, it is normal, instinctual, rad.

I may have paid $6 for this steak + prep. It was a $55 steak. At least.

Asparagus Anchovy Soup

2010-05-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

This one made me say "Wow" twice. It is, maybe, the best tasting thing I have ever made.

All right, you Paleo Gourmet Food loving mother effers, this one is an "All Timer". This is a signature dish on the first try. I might have to refine this and sell it to some restaurant. With that being said, I totally stole this idea from a now-defunked, bomb Santa Barbara restaurant called the Wine Cask. They weren't paleo (since they used half and half, creme fraiche) and they had caviar instead of anchovies, lemon creme fraiche instead of fresh lemon, zucchini instead of asparagus, and some other stuff different. I basically had something similar to this about 2 years ago and it was that memorable, and then I made it better, and this new version is amazing.

You have to do a little prep here. The prep:

Saute in about 3T of water for 8 minutes:

1/2 of an onion
1# of asparagus
1T spicy olive oil

Then make Spicy Paleo Broth. Simmer:

2c water
3 bay leaves
1t red pepper
1t black pepper
1/2t salt
1t celery salt

Remove the bay leaves after 10 minutes or so.

Prep the anchovy thingy. Be careful with when you start this step. You want to crisp Saute:

1/2t fresh ginger
1/2t ground mustard
Black pepper
A couple of pinches of dried anchovy (picutred below)

These are actually rad

Saute for a little while. Add the anchovies last. Time this shit out too, dont start this too soon.

Okay, so what you want to do is take the cooked, still hot, asparagus and onion, add it to the blender, cover with paleo broth and blend for 90 seconds. Simmer again for 10+ minutes.

Okay, so now what you want to do is ladle a couple scoops into a bowl (small, portions must be small if you want this to rock people's worlds). Using tongs, carefully place 8 anchovies onto the soup. Drizzle a little ginger/anchovy oil. Squirt a little lemon juice on that shit.

Possibly the best ever. I couldn't even believe I came up with this. Wow (third time).

Lemon Mint and Thyme Vinegrette

2010-05-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

Its a technical term

I'll detail this later. I just made something amazing I need to blog about.

Leeks and Asparagus

2010-05-25T22:32:00.001-07:00

The key to this is the lemon

Smash a clove or garlic and saute with super spicy home made flavored olive oil (this was new, steeped for about five days, with organic olive oil, red peppers and ancho chilies), a sliced up leek, some salt, pepper. Add asparagus, steam covered for 4 minutes, stir, squeeze 1/4 of a lemon on it. Cover for another 3 minutes. Squeeze more lemon on it upon service.

I wasn't going to post this becuase of its simplicity, but it was turning noses in my office.

Formulaic Beef Cakes

2010-05-17T22:05:00.001-07:00

Burgers with no buns are not burgers. Say it with me, Beef Cake! Beef Cake!

Gourmet burgers are one of the easiest things in the world to make. The biggest reason is the commonly accepted burger is of such low fucking quality its laughable. But seriously think about how shitty the last ten burgers you have had were? Were they all great/ memorable/ notable? Were a few/all of them fast food? In 'n Out and The Hamburger Habit are still fast food, guys. Generally shitty right?

Gourmet burgers are one of the easiest things in the world to make. Seriously, just add something to the general beef burger you are used to: avocado, something other than one slice of american cheese, some simple take on a veggie like mushrooms. Add some bizarre sauce, and if you can, add a gimmick and you are a fucking burger genius. If you are crazy, use something other than frozen CAFO beef.

Look at the alpha burger from In 'n Out. Formulaic. Freak veggie : grilled onions (easy) + Bizarre sauce : thousand island (easy) + gimmick : twice fresh meat and cheese (really?), unfrozen CAFO beef = Double Double "Animal" Style. Easy as pie right? Actually, maybe five times easier. Here is my Formulaic Beef Cake.

The Formulaic Beef Cake:

Gimmick: Onions two ways, grilled and fresh, mixed into the burger meat

Add Something: Green onions to the veggie bed the cakes sit on

Cheese: None. (Tricky, this one)

Bizarre Simple Veggie: Grilled Kale (blanched, smothered in red wine vinegar and seasoned)

Special Sauce: Tamarind in the grilled onion and celery leaves which are added to the beef

Other than frozen CAFO beef: Pasture Raised local ground beef (2#!)

Over reaching goal: lumps of meat that taste awesome with a paleo mindset and crab-cake like texture and awesomeness. I added an egg and almond meal: mission accomplished.

I personally think these are the best burge..... beef cakes I have ever made. What is stupid about writing an honest, reader non-supported, paleo blog is that the retrospect (while comedic) has somewhat diminished what I once though remarkable, but now seems childish. Thanks, pedantic brain!

Okay, so you now have the simple formula. Go make some Beef Cakes! Don't be a 90# weakling! Beef cake, beef cake!!

1.40 Fran

2010-05-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

OPT was right, this is unreal:

My best 10k is over 15 minutes slower than this guy. Holy shit, I've watched this a dozen times at least. This kid was competing in his first (high level) 10k. Sub 27? I dreamed of sub 48! I can barely remember going sub 43.

Sub 27? Game face.

Grilled Kale and Green Onions

2010-05-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

Kale might be the absolute best vegetable for a CrossFitter: calorie for calorie it is easily the most anti-inflammitory edible thing I have found, it is super super basic, and it goes well with virtually any protien source, or when used in a recovery drink. There are probably more Kale recipes on Keep Your Fucking Chest Up dot com with nothing more than meat, than any other veggie, even spinach.

Sorry for no pictures, but do this: breifly steam some whole leaf kale (less than 4 minutes), drain. Place in bowl with a bunch of green onions. Toss with red wine vinegar, salt, and pepper. Grill till the tips of the kale leaves are brownish/black. It should leave you with a fairly crisp stem, burnt/crispy tips and a nice transition in between. Green onions should be crispy at the ends and fairly firm in the center.

Serve with meat.

Bonus factoid: it has a 2:1 n3:n6 ratio (Double bonus factoid: n= omega fatty acid)

Non-alcoholic Drinks: Cirtusy Mint and Cucumber Water

2010-05-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

No booze? Weird.

The inspiration for this came from my dear friend Stephanie, who also has a sweet blender. The idea behind these non-alcoholic drinks (which is really just a euphemism for an alcoholic drink that is almost completed, i.e. just add alcohol), is that they should taste good, be refreshing, and leave you satisfied. I like these as an alternative to water, and as a way to add a couple of veggies and herbs to what you eat during the day.

Take two Persian cucumbers, a couple leaves of mint, the juice from quarter of a lime and lemon, and a small amount of lime rind (Steph likes to add ginger, I like to add lemon juice because it is more familiar) and then add close to 1/2 gallon of water (Steph likes sparkling water). Blend for about 30 seconds, and serve over ice.

I personally think white, non-spiced rum would be perfect to addition to this. Ben II, and Chris D II think that tequila would be better. But seriously, are you going to listen to them, or to someone who runs an unsuccessful Paleo site? That's what I thought.

Mirepoix

2010-05-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

Its all in the ratio

Most cookbooks explain mirepoix like this: 1 part carrot, 1 part celery, 2 parts onion. It is way easier to understand as 1 small onion, 1 celery stalk, 1 carrot. Nature portions things out nicely without measuring cups. As for mirepoix's usefulness? Look it up, its pretty useful.

Team Competition WODs Revealed Early!

2010-05-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Its time to represent CFV

Event #1
On the grass outside the track – Crawford Field

A relay involving three stages.

The first member of the team does a shuttle run to 10 yd, then 20 yd line/cones, then to 100m (If the ground is not touched with one hand completely beyond the line he/she will have to return and touch the ground completely past the cone/line.), to a set of 50# (m) or 30# (w) DB’s at the 100yd line.
The first member does 30 DB Thrusters then runs back and touches the second athlete who starts the shuttle run to the DB’s.
The first athlete then does 15 (m) or 10 (w) ring dips, sits down and is finished.
The team continues with each returning member touching/starting the next member before the leading member does his or her ring dips to finish.
The clock stops when the last team member finishes his/her dips (the last team member runs straight to the rings from the DB Thrusters, not to the start line).

Event #2
Held in the track/stadium.

Teams begin on the track in the start positions for a 400m relay race.

Each team member runs a 100m leg, passing one baton.
The final leg runner runs his 100m, then runs a full lap, picking up his team members as he goes.
Once all collected, the team completes another 400m lap from the original start point, together.
First team finishing the run gets the pick of the work areas along the side of the track in front of the bleachers. Then only two members at a time work, doing the following:

250 One Arm DB Power Snatches – any member completes as many as they want with a 50 pound or 30 pound dumbbell. The leading edge of the DB touches the deck each rep, finish position is with the arm locked out overhead and the feet inside of 24” wide lines taped on the deck, each rep.
500 Double-Unders. When all reps are complete, the team runs together around the track in the same direction and lane they initially ran in, to a pull up bar complex where, one at a time, they complete a team total of 125 Pull-ups (chin over the bar). Their clock stops when the last pull up rep is done.

Try to guess which one I think we will dominate at?

Party Aioli Revisited

2010-05-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

After an evaluation period of a day, we have made it better

So, if you remember from the post before this one, you saw a great sauce for every thing: we put it on chicken, beef, bell peppers, carrots, celery, etc. This is an improved version. Here are the changes:

1T red wine vinegar instead of 2T rice wine vinegar
4 sprigs of dehydrated cilantro instead of 2 sprigs of fresh cilantro
3 yolks instead of 4

Otherwise it was the same. This evolution is a "No Stars, to Three Stars" better. I think most people loved the first version (there is none left, hence the repeat the next day), I wonder if anyone would appreciate these changes?

Party Aioli - Spicy Ginger Lemon Garlic Cilantro

2010-05-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

I hope this as good on everything as I think it is. This is designed for an unknown and unknowable party scene. High chances of Paleo, though.

Oh, this was good!

Create this Aioli by combining the following in a blender:

4 egg yolks (room temperature)
2T rice wine vinegar
Juice of a 1/4 of a huge lemon
2t dry ground mustard
A huge pinch of dried crushed red pepper
Salt and pepper to taste

Blend quickly at a x(max)^0.46 speed. Add:

2T Peeled ginger
2 garlic cloves
1/4 yellow onion
2-4 sprigs cilantro

Emulsify with 1c extra light olive oil.

It was very well recieved.

Spicy Mussels in White "Wine"

2010-04-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

Thats the second bottle of wine opened, I needed close to three cups for all these suckas

Mussels in Spicy White Wine

Take an entire head of garlic and coarsely mince. Mince two jalapeno peppers with seeds. Mince 1/2 of an onion. Saute on very low for 10 minutes in, seriously, like 6-8+ T of extra light olive oil.* Grind lots of pepper into the mix, and add 5 huge pinches of salt (yes we are going to over compensate for something here). After ten plus minutes of super low simmering, slowly add in 3+ cups of white wine (I use the Two Buck Chuck Chardonnay). This means: pour in 1/2 a cup, bring to simmer, etc. Once all wine is bubbling, crank the heat up to medium high and cover. Boil hard for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, clean and de-beard/shave 6+ pounds of mussels. I can't say this enough: buy fresh fresh fresh mussels. Mine weren't that fresh, but they were still alive. This turns out to be quite gross since mussels are very much like you and I: eat, sleep, reproduce. The thing is that we forget what else fills the gaps in between eat and sleep: poop. So anyway, buy em fresh and eat them before they have a chance to digest anything. Fill in your own blanks here.

Anyway, throw those puppies into the mix and bring back to a fast steaming flow. It took almost 6 minutes for mine to do this. Then cook them for 3+ minutes, covered. Stir and baste, and finish for three more minutes. Garnish with minced parsley.

Enlist roommate to help eat three pounds of this stuff. I will say that having 3 pounds of shellfish to eat is great since when you go out to eat you normally get 1p. And! I think 6+p at home cost less than 2p at a restaurant.

That is a ton of shell fish.

* Extra light olive oil is one of my new experiments in culinary musings. The trouble with extra virgin, full flavored, olive oils is that they are full flavored! That flavor kinda sucks when you try to swap out the fairly flavorless, but succulently delicious, animal fats. These would be found in milks, butters, meats, etc. Think about what fat tastes like? What words do you use to describe it? Rich? I would say rich or creamy (which incidentally means that I associate high fat foods with cream, and have created a false causality scenario in my mind). I would never say "Like fresh green olive pressings." So since extra light olive oil can be added to almost anything (including my veggie drinks) and is fairly flavorless but imparts that wonderful "rich" taste to whatever I put it on, it is proving to be an awesome addition to the kitchen. Seriously awesome.

Carrot and Banana Frozen Dessert

2010-04-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

I have a real problem calling this iced cream, but it was bomb

Another great use of the blender here. Add 3-4 frozen bananas, 3 carrots, and a cup of heavy coconut cream to the blender and blend (add ice if you have any, I had like 3 cubes). I put in a lot of protien powder too. After blending, I froze this and then scooped it out. This is easily the fisrt paloe/almost paleo dessert that I would give to a girl to impress her. Its not as creamy as iced cream, but just absolutely delicious.

Non-Corn Fed Chicken

2010-04-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

Love that jalapeno and cilantro mayo

Nothing much here, just reporting on the chicken itself (this was just a little Pappy's on the grill). It taste like chicken, its a little smaller than normal chickens. It reminds me of the chickens I was buying when I was living in Italy. It was good enough, that I would probably switch to these higher quality birds if I had access to them all the time.

Shrimp, Jalapeno, and Olives

2010-04-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

Deveining shrimp is great because the shrimp always look more delicious

This one freaked me out so much, that I actually got the ingredients out and then put them back because I was sure it was way to bizarre to be good. I then, second guessed my second guess and went full speed ahead.

Mince smash 7 cloves of garlic and add to a lot of olive oil, ground pepper, and a T of freshly minced ginger root. Saute on low for a long time. Cut the tops off of three jalapenos and remove center seeds. Cut all jalapenos into rings, and add to pot with one thinly sliced onion. Add a can of drained whole medium black olives. Season with salt and pepper. Add a can of tomato sauce and bring to bubbling. After deveining about 30 fairly large shrimp (like 1.33 pounds), toss those in and cook for about 6 minutes, covered. Adjust pepper and eat.

This was way better than going to a restaurant because it was just a ton of shrimp with delicious sauce. Jalapeno, olive, ginger with onions and shrimp? Whatever works...

Regionals Update: Hotel

2010-04-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

Westin in Costa Mesa

FIY,

Kat, Lieb and I will be staying here:

http://www.starwoodhotels.com/westin/property/overview/index.html?propertyID=1002

It is a seemingly dope Westin Hotel with a fairly legit pool/spa area, a resuarant, breakfast, and a bar (Kat and I both thought that was an important selling point). It wasn't the cheapest option out there, but with all the easy benefits I believe it was worth it. I booked 2 queens if anyone wants to double up and save some cash.

Its a couple miles away from UCI (looks like about 2-3), but totally looks like the drive is worth it.

Let me know...

Adjust

2010-04-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

Its hard to tell from this picutre, but these little flowers by my house: open in the morning, close in the evening, and track the sun through out the day

I went through a physical assessment with CJ today and it was extremely enlightening. I do not want to say too much about it, as it was clearly an extremely complex (and I can tell, extremely useful) exercise in athlete evaluation (while still in the beta test mode). You see, profiling and trends are a real part of the science of anything. If I can measure X and Y in every top athlete, and measure Z and AA in every one who sucks, maybe I can learn something from X and Y, and Z and AA.

That is all scientific and well and good and yada yada yada. But the beauty is that by specifically identifying imbalance, deficiency, over compensation, it will allow for a certain amount of corrective action. A little supplementation. We can expose weakness and adjust.

In psychology, adjustment means the behavioural process of balancing conflicting needs, or needs against obstacles in the environment. Humans and animals regularly do this, for example, when they are stimulated by their physiological state to seek food, they eat (if possible) to reduce their hunger and thus adjust to the hunger stimulus. Adjustment disorder occurs when there is an inability to make a normal adjustment to some need or stress in the environment.

Please read more at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjust

Sardines in Tomato Sauce

2010-04-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

Bait made delicious

I personally think the saltier the fish, the more delicious it is. Sardines are kinda salty, but I gave these 21 sardines a good salt rub down anyway. Also, why is there such a stigma against bait fish? These pups are chalked full of good stuff, and they're delicious.

Okay, so the only thing I do not like about sardines is eating their guts, which makes me want to gag, becuase that means you are for sure eating something in the stages of shit formation, up to and including shit. So, I just ran these guys under a steady stream of water, busted through their chest with my thumbs and pulled out the guts. Then, I covered them with salt and fresh cracked pepper (kinda a lot of salt) and grilled them for about 6 minutes per side so they were crispy.

The sauce I made was a bastard tomato sauce, with mexican flavors, to mimic the mexican canned sardines in town. I took a whole pasilla pepper, jalapeno, 4 garlic cloves, 1 stalk of celery, one (lamentable) can of tomato sauce (I should have had four tomatoes on hand), and 2t cayenne pepper with some olive oil and threw that into the blender and blended. I heated it up on the stove for as long as the sardines cooked.

Cover and garnish with cilantro. I really enjoy this, chances are you would throw it up over the balcony after a shot of Sailor Jerry's.

V. 3 of 3. Paleo Hot Wing Style Cornish Hens

2010-04-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

This is the final cornish hen recipe of the three. This was fun.

So, we finally come to the end of the cornish hen road. This is simple and delicious: cut the birds in half and coat in delicious Pappy's Choice rub. Grill to perfection, and then toss with home made hot wing sauce (previously posted) and a very small amount of fish sauce. The fish sauce is a fermented sauce and steps in for my traditional usage of soy sauce (which we now do not use becuase of the soy). This tastes like my world famous red chicken, and that was what I was going for, and it is great to achieve it paleo style!

Hot Wing Sauce

2010-04-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

The Rorschach inkblot test of paleo cooking: what do you see?

One of the beautiful things about the new blender is that I can make virtually anything now, and here is some more proof. I took about 10 red jalapenos, cut the tops off, and 12oz of plain vinegar, and blended those suckas for a little bit. I took an amount of cheese cloth and folded it over 4 times and poured the mixture through it to remove the solids. And that is it, your own home made hot wing sauce, and it took less than 5 minutes to make.

Jalapeno and Cilantro Mayo

2010-04-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

I made this to eat with artichokes after my guy Mitch said he loved artichokes

Simple: three room temperature egg yolks, 3/2t ground mustard, juice of a lemon, 1 green jalapeno (seeds, no stem), three of four sprigs of cilantro, a little salt and pepper, a cup of extra light olive oil, blended to perfection. It was addictive as a dip for the 'chokes.

The Breakfast Lasagne

2010-04-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

This one effs with your senses since you can't tell what you are tasting, its cool

Every 15-16 weeks I am asked to bring bagels to the office on a Friday morning for about 15-16 people. Now, as far as I know, I am the only one in the group to create and maintain a highly unsuccessful food blog (read as, I spend tons of time to make it, and make no money from it = unsuccessful), so there is always a huge amount of pressure to step up to the plate. I like to think that I do, and this was very well received. Lots going on here.

The idea behind this dish, is that, well, I effing love lasagne, but because of the pasta and cheese, its hard to call it even close to paleo. So what to do? Ditch the pasta, keep an amount of dairy, and make it for breakfast. The challenges? Eggs, taste, texture, look, plating, planning, cooking, creating. The reward? Eating.

Come with me on a journey...

The Prep
I'll try to walk you through the fundamentals of this dish too, when I can. Basically, what we need to understand is what traditional lasagne tastes like: delicious sauce, mixed with delicious meat, mixed with delicious cheese, mixed with baked texture goodness. Now the challenge: what makes those things delicious?

Spinach: blanch a head or two of it, depending on how much you are making: boiling water, two minutes in, rinse in cold water. Save.

Grass fed ground beef: saute 3 pounds in spicy olive oil, sage, thyme, basil, oregano, minced garlic cloves, salt and pepper to taste on every single ingredient. Cool to room temperature.

The Sauce: blend for 6 minutes (until piping hot) two organic orange carrots (these are kinda small), half of one stalk of celery, like 6-8 tomatoes, two cloves garlic, a pinch of salt, lots of ground pepper, and a pinch of crushed red pepper, a little water too, and a pinch of thyme and sage. It will be piping hot when done, so cool and then re-blend. This tastes nasty by itself, so do not use it for any other application. Read the caption of the photo, this is part of the mind fuck that the blender can do.

Potatoes: slice about 5 russet potatoes thinly (using a lame electric slicer), parboil for 10 minutes, drain and cool.

Cheeses: buy a pound each of full fat ricotta, Parmesan, and mozzarella, shredded to save time, high quality to save your life.

Eggs: Beat 18 eggs until smooth, and then add 2 cups of full fat milk, and re-beat.

Tomatoes: Slice 6 tomatoes ATAP (as thinly as possible, buy hand so they have some thickness)

You have to time these steps appropriately. You want your potatoes done before your beef, long enough so that the potatoes are warm and you can handle them, and the beef is hot enough so the fat is still rolling around.

The Assembly
Okay, so here is where the step by step instructions might break down for a lot of people. First things first: we have multiple stages of assembly to make this dish fantastic, and not just 'fine'. Second: there are timed stages of cooling that we must pay attention too. Third, do not second guess your instincts, unless your instincts contradict this recipe.

Step 1: Place a layer of potatoes on the pans (mine were a 3" deep 12" x 12", and a 3" x 10" x 18"). My potatoes were falling apart to a great extent, so they turned into like a firm mash.

Step 2: Evenly spread still super runny ground beef and equally distribute the fat over the potatoes.

Step 3: Let all that shit cool down to room temperature.

Step 4: Now, spread your ricotta over the beef, cover in half of the Parmesan cheese, pour about half the sauce over pans. Spread spinach over the bed of deliciousness. Add another layers of potatoes. Cover with half the mozzarella.

Step 5: Pour the eggs and milk mixture over that evenly. Cover with the rest of the sauce, evenly.

Step 6: Cover in the other half of the mozzarella, and then top with sliced tomatoes, garnish with fresh cracked pepper.

The Bake
I did 350F for 1h 15min, 15min at 375F. Remove, cover, and sit for 15 minutes. It was still bubbling.

The Reward
Shit tasted like a fucking proper lasagne. Cheesy, saucy, meaty, pasta-ee, delicious. Cut like a fucking lasagne too. I even heard things like: "The pasta is perfect.", "It tastes exactly like lasagne, but there is no sauce." "This is like the Italian breakfast burrito." "This is really good." "He had three pieces..."

Meet Meat

2010-04-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

Grass Fed, Local, Do-able. Try it.

Beet Jerky

2010-04-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

Psych! Its really beet chips! Vegetarian Beet Jerky! Lame!

Generally, vegetarianism is lame, these jokes are also lame. Beet Jerky? Especially lame. These beet chips were actually passable. My V1.0 Guest Creationist told me that she loves to make beet chips with vinegar and salt. Okay, lets see it! Here is thinly sliced (3 beets = 5 trays on a dehydrator) beets with rice vinegar and salt and pepper. Dehydrating at 135F for an undetermined period of time.

This is fun if you need to fake a cut hand at work and then send it to your boss via iPhone. Or if you want to trip out on the rings of a freaking beet. Your choice.

Beet and Chocolate BBQ Sauce

2010-04-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

Watch out for weird shit like this...

Puree a beet somehow (like with a little water and a slick $450 blender, raw), and add 1T cocoa powder, 1T red wine vinegar, 1t ground mustard, 1t crushed red pepper, 1t olive oil, and salt and peper to taste. Trust me, this is not a sauce that I would recommend an amature try to pair with something. After making it I had a mini moment of "Its fuck or walk" time: I told myself to save this sauce through my hens.

Mission accomplished. Keep reading...

Cornish Hens V. 2.0 of 3.0: The Grilled Beet

2010-04-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

If you see this on a menu someplace, try it

I honestly do not know why I am still an engineer. I'm clearly better at this than that. This is the unlocked brain I've been talking about since The Blender.

Take two cornish rock hens, halve, and rub in 2 parts rosemary, 2 parts thyme, 1 part salt and 1 part pepper that was ground in a mortar and pestle. Cook for about 15 minutes aside on a grill basting once per side with previously posted beet chocolate bbq sauce. Sear. Serve with some delish squashes.

I am shocked by the flavor combinations, this is truly inspired.

Yes, it really was that purple (oh, beets stain everything, clean that shit up ASAP and don't wear white).

Custom Made Grilled Squashes

2010-04-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

Squashes are a super summer veggie, and its getting sunny here

Super simple, and I do not mean to insult anyone's intellegence, but do not neglect the herb rubbed grilled veggies. Using lame things like Mrs. Dash or other lame blended products is fine in a pinch (like when you are at the lake and realize no one thought this one through), but it is way better to selectively choose your flavors while making memorable meals.

Grind 2 parts rosemary, 2 parts thyme, 1 part salt and 1 part pepper in a mortar and pestle. Cut two each of summer squash (aka yellow, aka crookneck, aka...) and zucchini (aka....huh...) into fairly large strips. Coat in spicy olive oil and then rub them up. Grill for about 7.5 minutes per side, or until you get the tenderness you so desire.

Thai Butternut Squash Soup

2010-04-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

When will the blender no longer dominate my life?

Bake a butternut squash soup (slice in half, de-seed, coat in oil, bake face down on pan at 350-400F for 35-40 min) and cool. Saute one whole minced onion and garlic with a 1/2t of both ground lemongrass and ghangel. Create some Brandon's Paleo Broth (1t celery salt, 2c water, 2 bay leaves and some black pepper, simmer. This is my world famous, MSG free alternative to canned chicken broth). Add butternut squash to pan (or blender) and combine with broth, onions. Add a half can of coconut milk, 2t fish sauce, simmer for a while and blend or simmer smooth. I just garnished this with cilantro and green onions, but it needed more.

For example, this really should be turned into a stew with some pad thai style bbq'd chicken served underneath it, or with carrots, onions and potatoes in a curry. So this soup is the right flavor, but the wrong application.

Loving the Recovery Shake

2010-04-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

Again, I hate to make this into some lame blending blog, but hear me out

So, post-WOD fuel talks often surround around replenishing glycogen, building muscles with branched chain amino acids and whey protein, and proper hydration. One aspect that is super hard to address is the acidic blood levels that arise after smoking yourself on a work out. This blender finds that solution. Throw tons of greens into your post-WOD drink and you are gravy.

I have only had a couple of chances to test this, but it seems to work well. And it makes perfect sense: add hugely alkaline veggies to offset your lactic acid in your muscles. Throw kale, protein, and carbs together and you have a complete package. You can feel the rejuvenation within 15 minutes. It is incredible. I do not think it is psychological. I think it is real and profound.

This (blender) has unlocked something in my brain. And I am fighting to hold it back, but at least you all can learn from my obsessions.

The Green Jerky

2010-04-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

The jerky doesnt really turn green, but the marinade is green as shit. This blender will ruin my blog, I need to watch it.

Blend a
pasallia chili
2T tamarind
2oz apple cider vinegar
1/t cumin
1t cayenne
1/2t garlic
salt and pepper TT
water

Dehydrate for oer 4.5 hrs.

Strawberry Balsamic Dressing

2010-04-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm breaking this Vita-Mix in, I need to bust the basics out.
Take:

4T Olive Oil
1.67T Balsamic
2 Strawberries
1/2t dried basil
Salt and pepper to taste

Blend slowly into dressing. Its good.

Spicy Garlic Aioli

2010-04-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

This is basically an amazing mayonnaise recipe

Take three egg yolks (room temperature), 1/4t ground mustard, the juice of a whole lemon, 1t salt, some fresh cracked pepper, and blend briefly. Add four cloves garlic and a 1/2t crushed red pepper. Slowly add light olive oil while blending and stop once set.

This is so effing delicious, I with I would eat sandwiches.

Cornish Rock Hens, Version 1 of 3

2010-04-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

Version 1.0 Italian Seasoning, baked, and served with re-donk Spicy Garlic Aioli

There will be three different Cornish Hen Recipes, as I bought 3 pairs of these guys. These are called "Cornish Rock Hens", as opposed to Cornish Game Hens. Mine are most certainly a GM hybrid with conventional chickens grown on factory farms, and that is why they were so effing cheap (and frozen).

Italian Seasoning: 1t rosemary, 1/2t sage, basil, oregano, 1t thyme, 1t salt, some pepper. Cut the hens in half, rub with this shit, drizzle in spicy oil, bake at 350 for 40 minutes, serve with spicy garlic aioli. It is awesome.

I was going to grill this, but I ran out of propane! Maybe V2.0 can be grilled.

Kale Pear Strawberry and Whey

2010-04-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

I promise not to turn this into some silly jucing blog, but this is my first attempt

I just bought the Vita-Mix blender (this piece of equipment retails at $450), and I can't wait to unlock the potential of it. Here is my first post-WOD drink:

1/2 bunch of raw Kale
1 Pear (w/ core)
7 Strawberries (w/ stems)
3 Huge spoonfuls of protien powder (I was aiming for 40g protien)
1 Cup of ice
1 Cup of water

Blend smooth (only do this with a super powerful blender, the kale will mess you up). That doesn't really seem like a huge amount of food to eat, but I can hardly finish this drink it is so filling. Its pretty decent tasting too, but protien powder kinda sucks.

Tomatillo Sauce

2010-04-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

A Classic, brought to you by guest Creationist Dave G

Saute two minced jalapenos with two cloves garlic. Add a diced yellow onion and saute until transulcent. Add two pounds of whole tomatillos (husks removed) and enough water to cover the bottom of the pan. Heat slowly until the tomatillos burst. Add 2T of apple cider vinegar and simmer for about 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Cool and blend smooth. Add a bunch of minced cilantro. Re-season and serve with anything Mexican.

Dave did a great job with this.

Red Wine Vinegar and Venison

2010-04-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

This is delicious

Very simple, very delicious. Mince up a couple cloves of garlic, and dice and onion. Saute with lot and lots of olive oil (the venison has virtually no fat) and crushed red pepper. Cook about a pound of ground venison in the same pan, and season to taste. Add, like 8-10 cups of spinach and about 2T of red wine vinegar, cover and cook. Crack some more pepper and enjoy!

Best Buys

2010-03-31T22:41:00.000-07:00

When size always matters, amongst other places

Okay,

Q: guess which Mortar and Pestle cost more money? Both are marble, both are made in China, both come with no warranty. One came from a GloboStore (BBaB), one from a sick ass Asian market with super cheap prices for huge mortar and pestles. Which is which? Is green better than grey? What do y'all think?

A: The Green One. It was like $20! I just saw and bought the giant grey one for $12 at some crappy Asian market on Santa Clara Street (it was a fine market, just not great). I even told the owner that he should shop the eff around, but he was so geeked up on being cheaper than Albertsons! "Bro, look at their coconut water! Its like $0.30 more expensive! Can you believe that Bro?"

"Yeah. But this is like $15 too cheap, not like some silly drink."

"Bro! Its the same! See what I mean?!"

"Um, yeah? Or, no?"

Hey Bro, thanks for the discounted Mortar and Pestle.

Moral: Go to ethnic markets for esoteric shit like mortars and pestles.

God Made Anchovies for Me

2010-03-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

Substitutes only serve to remind you that you do not have the object of your desire

I don't know if I've said it before here, but I'll say it again for the first time: don't fucking kid yourself about Paleo substitutes. Spaghetti squash does not a spaghetti dish make. Some bullshit crust doesn't satisfy like a sweet Wig & Pen "Flying Tomato" or Rusty's thin crust pizza. Paleo alternatives pale in comparison; they simply suck, and that only leads to more feelings of deprivation, which then leads to more junk food, because, seriously, why kid yourself?

With that being said, I have had a spaghetti squash for a while and simply wanted to use it, but I had no good ideas off the top of my head (having never made one before) so I went for the pasta substitute. Unfortunately, it was a disaster, and then I did it again with a different sauce. Insanely disastrous. Live and don't learn, I guess.

Anchovy Pasta Sauce

This sauce is paleo and by itself, or on pasta, it is the effing truth. Take 3-4T of olive oil, 3/2t crushed red pepper, 7 coarsely minced garlic cloves, and saute with salt (small amount now) and fresh cracked pepper. Add a can of anchovies, oil and all. Saute until they dissolve into the oil (literally). Add two huge spoonfuls of capers and an 8oz can of tomato sauce. Simmer briefly.

This is a rip off of a classic Italian dish. Try it with fresh tomatoes, olives, mushrooms, or artichokes. Also, try melting a hard cheese into it prior to tossing with traditional spaghetti. (As an aside, traditional Italian cooking always ends up seeming way more oily than Americanized food, and as a supplemental aside, it is virtually always tastier).

My roommate's gf, who claims to hate anchovies, conceded that this sauce was re-donk. With the spaghetti squash? It was fucking horrible. I seriously only ate like 6 bites.

Chocolaty Beef Jerky

2010-03-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

And that French Guy thought this would be disgusting...

This is just a marinade recipe that works wonders for beef jerkey:

2T Tamarind
2T Water
2T Apple cider vinegar
1T Garlic chili sauce
1 1/2T Dehydrated onion
Salt and pepper to taste
1T Cocoa powder

Marinade and dehydrate. This is the bomb.

Addendum: This rose eyebrows at work and at the gym. Super bomb, can't wait to get more meat!

Hobo Costco Paleo Special: Salmon and Capers

2010-03-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

If you have a Costco card, you can make this over and over and over and over...

The things I bought at Costco were: canned salmon (bear and wolf), baby bella mushrooms, capers, and spinach. On a previous trip I got olive oil, dehyrated onions, granulated garlic, and pepper, both red and black. Spike, this one is for you.

Hobo Salmon and Capers
Take about 2T of olive oil, add a T of crushed red peppers, 2T dehydrated onions, 1/3c water, lots of ground pepper, 3 huge pinches of salt, and 1/2t ground mustard, 3T of capers, and 1/2t granulated garlic. Saute for a little while. Add some mushrooms, cut in half, saute for 10-12 minutes. Add can of salmon. Suate covered for as long as it takes to make spinach.

Make spinach in a seperate pot in olive oil, salt and pepper.

Serve one on top of the other. This is amazing.

Tamarind, Turkey and Spinach

2010-03-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

Add salt and pepper, olive oil, red pepper, tomato sauce, and you have a feast! Delicious.

Thats it.

Pasta Sauce

2010-03-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

There are lots and lots of veggies in this, and this is very easy and delicious

Saute 4 cloves of minced garlic and a diced onion. Add 1t basil, oregano, ground sage, black pepper, cayenne pepper, granulated garlic and thyme. Add tons of olive oil. Saute 1p ground turkey. Add a whole, cut up cauliflower head. Cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Add a bag of arugala, add four cut up tomatoes. Saute for 8 minutes. Add a can of tomato suace. Saute till done. This was awesome.

Addendum: This was inspired by talk at sectionals by my fellow Crossfittermen that they missed both cereal and pasta since subscribing to the Paleo.

Mustard Eggs

2010-03-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

Eggs, better with dijion mustard for some reason

Y'all know I hate to post egg recipes but this one was a decent border break-down. This is a bunch of asparagus sauted in olive oil with 6 garlic cloves and red pepper. It is also about 4-5 scrambled eggs mixed with dijion mustard and hot suace with salt and pepper. It was awesome. Also good with avocados.

Two Days On

2010-03-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

This little puppy was crocked for 38 hours in only two cups of water

So sure, two days is forty eight hours, but that is close enough for a deceptive blog post, right?

Here was the strategy for St. Paddy's Day's corned beef: crock it, cook veggies seperate, combine and devour. Unfortunately, it got a little out of control and it became an exercise in meat preperation management. I got home too late to make this last night, but still wanted an awesome dish, so thank science for the "warm" setting. This was on low for 15+ hours and then warm for the next day.

Post-Paddy's Day Corned Beef

In a huge soup pot, take 5 cloves of garlic and mince. Dice an onion. Here is my big creative idea to make this dish better: add a ton of crushed red pepper. Saute for 5 minutes in spicy olive oil. Add 2/3p cut up carrots, and saute covered for 10 minutes. Slice up a whole head of cabbage, add as much liquid as possible from the crock to the pot, add some supplemental pepper corn and bay leaves. Simmer covered for 20 minutes. Then put the corned beef over it and simmer covered for another 5 minutes. You can just use a pair of tongs to serve from this pot. It is awesome, I wish it was available more often!

Stella' Head

2010-03-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

Great Head

According to my guy CD, I don't give good head because I pour with very limited foam. Well, you can fit more beer in the glass that way is my reasoning. Anyway, I just got the Stella hooked up, and becuase of a line that is too narrow (or the pressure is to high, either way), I now give great head.

Now that the sun is back, and the stella is tapped, who wants to throw a pool party?

Delicious Orange Salad with Sesame Chicken

2010-03-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

Looks small but plated, this was a 5 course lunch

Okay, this was a stellar salad. Basically, take that wonderful spicy orange vinegrette from last week, and pour it (not all of it, maybe 3T for this gigantic feast) over a large salad comprised of dandelion green, frisse lettuce, a cut up breast of my world famous Sesame Chicken and a very large (I can only assume) hydropnic tomato. Season with salt and pepper to taste. It was awesome.

Pre-emptive St Paddy's Day Food Post: Corned Beef and Cabbage

2010-03-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

I like my March 17ths like I like my women: seasonal, cheap and delicious

So, corned beef is on sale right now. I love this stuff. Normally it is super expensive but I bought the cut pictured here for $3. That being said, it is easily the fattiest cut on the market (I have a better one for Wednesday, FYI).

Corned Beef and Caggabe

This is a classic. Unfortunately in the US, virtually all of our corned beef comes in bags with seasonings and cooking directions. This is a quick (relatively) practice run.

Crush 5 cloves of garlice and saute in 2T+ super spicy home made olive oil. Add an entire bunch of 1/4" thick sliced organic carrots (it seems like a lot). Soften for 10 minutes. Add 3p corned beef from cheap bagged beef, add flavors (see note on bagged flavors below). Cook with cover on for 15+ minutes. Flip and cook for 15+ minutes. Add 4c water and cook for another hour, flipping as required. Add cut up cabbage 30 minutes before service.

Flavor bag: this is fairly simple: bay leaves, pepper corns, corriander (cilantro) seeds.

SoCal Sectionals Day 2

2010-03-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

Colin and Jaala were back after it for the final WOD today. Colin came in 14th after two events and Jaala was 9th but she had the bonus knowledge that she was for sure in the top 20, almost no matter what. How, you ask? Jaala is a BAMF. The WODs were so hard yesterday that less than 20 woman finished them Rx'd. Jaala was one of them. All she needed to do was to complete the event today and she was on to Regionals. Colin, on the other hand, had to fight to maintain his top 20 status.

Jaala is a bad ass mutha fucka

Event #3: Max Effort

3 minutes Row for max calories

Rest 3 minutes

3 minutes AMRAP Dead lift (275/185)

Rest 3 minutes

3 minutes accumulate as many seconds of L-sits* with 5 second minimum set

Rest 3 minutes

3 minutes AMRAP Over head squats (95/65)

Rest 3 minutes

Start 6 minute count down, 1 set AMRAP Pull ups (must start with in 5 seconds of start of count down)

When clock hits zero, run 800m

Score is rank in each of the six events, sum the rankings, lowest score wins.

*L-sits were not really L-sits (sorry WBHH). Rather they were straight legged feet raises with hands on parallettes. You counted feet together, knees locked, off the ground for this move, not above parallel.

These three events were so hard they crippled animals, I can't even imagine the monsters that will arise from the ashes of the competitors.

SoCal Sectionals Day 1

2010-03-14T00:26:00.000-08:00

CFV sent four of our best athletes to compete in some brutal events at Drake Stadium on the UCLA campus to try to become one of the top 20 men and women to move on to regional qualifiers for the twenty oh-ten CrossFit Games. All four are absolute inspirations: humble, strong, dedicated, focused, relentless, and beastly. I have a rule for healthy eating called the "Don't eat what that guy eats" rule. I have a new rule with these four: "Do what they do."

Drake Stadium (UCLA), from the bleachers

Front squat 400#, run a 5.13 mile, row sub 8 2k, clean 385#. Our heroes today were Colin, Craig, Jaala, and Matt. Monster, Unbelievable, Unstoppable, Power House.

Event #1
For Time:
100m Run
Pick up 45# (25#) plate and run up 83 stadium steps (the super horribly design stadium 2.5" high x 8.73" wide bizarre step) and then perform 70 unbroken squats while holding some bizarre 45# object.
Then run down 83 steps.
35 Push press (45#/ 33#)
Run up 83 steps
15 Thrusters (135#/ 95#) (how much weight?) (Science) (Silence)
Back down 83 steps
35 Burpees (CrossFit is stupid at this point)
Back up
35 Wall Balls (20#/10 and 14#/10)
Back down
70 Double Unders
100m run

Rude.

Event #2
For lowest working time (A+B):

A: 4RFT
9 Squat Cleans (135#)*
6 Hand Stand Push Ups

*Run 50m to HSPU station, call time after last HSPU in 4th round

Then,

Exactly 20 minutes after the start of Event #2 Part A, perform:

B: As Quickly As Possible
30 Hang Squat Snatches at 75# (Hang = below knees)
30 Chest to Bar Pull Ups
Row 750m

Fuck off, these events are retarded. Literally.

Here is the link to the times and scores: http://scores2010.crossfit.com/scoring/south-california/

Orange Vinnegrete

2010-03-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

This little dandy is what I would consider "incomplete" on its own, however, I had a very specific salad mind, with very specific heavily flavored ingredients. I'll tell you how to over come that and "complete" this dressing afterwards.

Combine:

4T Extra Virgin Olive Oil
4T Spicy Olive Oil (the Olio Piccante kind)
2T White wine vinegar
1T very finely minced shallot
Salt and Pepper to taste
Juice from half of an orange

A little sesame seeds and a little paprika and some granulated garlic and it is completed.

Red Cabbage Reprive

2010-03-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the second guest creationist on KYFCU.com, Colly (Cole-ee), my roommate's girl friend! Her given name is Nicole, but I like Colly better. Anyway, I made that red cabbage slaw a few weeks back, which was based off of my buddy Drew's slaw, that I caught Nicole macking on in the kitchen. And now we have a great, observable evolution of a dish. Drew --> Brandon --> Nicole. Hers was better. Here how it goes:

Cabbage, scallions, cilantro, salt, pepper, red pepper, apple cider vinegar, with the requiste orange juice, but also with orange and mango slices. I would cut them up finely too. The added super sweetness was out of control. It was like a bizarre vegetable dessert, if you can imagine such a bizarre thing. I had the option of avocado too. It would have been a good +fat +fiber choice.

Her version/vision opened my eyes to the cabbage-slaw potential: this could see a breakfast version soon, a picnic version, a BBQ version, a ... This is a pretty strong dish, best to cut the cabbage super thinly next time. Maybe let it sit for a few hours too. This was a pretty cool evolution to witness.

Addendum: Some people have started trying these recipes and are having some success like this story here. If you want to, take a pic and drop me a line we can start seeing these evolutions and really start to learn about food here.

Globo Loser 2.0

2010-03-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

So, if you avid readers recall from my rambling, angry post some time last Friday regarding this loser, Jason B@rum!n, at LA Fitness Ventura was a real unprofessional jerk to me. I asked for his supervisor's contact information, it was (reluctantly) given to me in the form of a 1-800 #, with office hours from 9am-6pm M-F. I asked that Jason to write his name on the card so that there was no confusion as to who I was complaining about when I called the VP. Jason says, "No."

What?

But check this bullshit: I call today, and there is no one listed under this VP's name in their directory. He basically gave me a bullshit phone number. What a fucking loser.

Addendum: After calling a membership staffing person and explaining my situation, she actually emailed the VP for me and asked that he call me. She said it might take 48 hrs. It took 18 minutes for him to get in contact with me. He was skeptical at first, but then saw the horror of employing such a loser. Let's see what happens...

Sesame Chicken

2010-03-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

Man, I just tried to dismember a chicken for time (becuase of some recent comments) and I suck at it now. Back before the days of the Ronco Showtime Roastisserie I was eating tons of home baked chicken and had been cutting these birds up in about 85 seconds with a PR of 71 seconds.

3.42, 3.16

There's no emoticon for the level of shame I currently feel.

Anyway, these aren't even out of the oven, but are going to be re-donk. Take the following and combine in a mortar and pestle:

1T ginger
1/2t nutmeg
1t black pepper
1t paprika
2t salt

Then, coat the chicken with them, cover the pieces with sesame seeds, some spicy olive oil, and a little toasted sesame oil. The pic is a "this is what you should see before putting them in the oven" pic. Oh yeah, and then bake for 40+ minutes at 400F.

Fajita Ratio

2010-03-02T23:42:00.000-08:00

Properly balance fajitas ingredients

I know it sounds weird, but yes, there is a big controversy within the "Big Fajita Lobby". Despite all culinary evidence to support the ratio of 1:2:2:2:TT of Onion to Bell Peppers to Chicken Breast to Medium Sized Tomato to Various oils with god knows what spices, people refuse to listen!?! People have been brain washed by the rich mutha effing Onion Lobby that say it should be 1:1:1:1:TT.

Nonsense. We all know that, despite the fact that paleo fajitas are the least satisfying paleo subs, the ratio still holds. One onion to two bell peppers, two chicken breasts, two tomatoes, to various oils and spices to taste! We all know that fajitas+ flour tortillas + sour cream + MSG = Ecstasy. So Paleo + 0 = Paleo appreciation of... I guess that tastes good...

Il Mio Pollo Pazzo

2010-03-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

Lots of life synergy on this one...

Okay, so lots of things will come together here: lower calorie food, very few ingredients for new cooks (RD), paleo pantry material (i.e. foods that can be thrown in the fridge for the week), high protein, can be made from shit at Costco, can be added to fajitas, tacos, eggs, salads, bizarre 'Seafood of the Land' mix & match medelies, lettuce wrapped Paleo versions of your favorites, uhhhh.... and like virtually anything remotely tasting good with salsa or (more likely) Tapatio.

Il Mio Pollo Pazzo (Pronounced Polo)

Mix together equal parts:

Paprika
Oregano
Cumin powder

Plus chicken, of course. In my "Four Ingredient World" (This is an FYI, RD), I always comp olive oil, salt, pepper, and one stand by ingredient. If you are cooking Italian, try tomatoes. If Mexican, try vinegar (apple cider). I added cayenne pepper for more heat. Garlic would have passed, etc. For George Foreman chefs, this is a well used experiment with that $24 spice rack.

Addendum: Four ingredient meals are the truth, but also the exception. Try my "Exempt 3+1", and I bet four seems like 4 million. This flavor may even qualify as complex...

Addendum: blogger be fucking up yo. What up with dat?

Sage Flavored Snapper, or More Effing Snapper?!?

2010-03-02T20:09:00.000-08:00

In a long line of many similar snapper recipes, this finished off my 2+ pound snapper weekend. These fillets are simply rubbed with salt, black and red pepper, tons of sage, granulated garlic and cooked in previously used oil (from lunch. Mmmm recycled olive oil). 3+2 minutes and tada! More fish! I served this (to myself) with asparagus and that awesome frisse salad.

Frisse Salad with Mayo Dressing

2010-03-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

This is super simple, two ingredient dish. Take frisse lettuce and cut up, toss with Italian Mayonnaise. I was going to eat this with snapper of course and everyone knows that mayo, lettuce and fish were seriously made for each other. Crack pepper over this, and enjoy.

Italian Mayonnaise

2010-03-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

So this is a little more yellow than Kraft and a little saucier than my original mayo recipe. But it is re-donk in terms of flavor, and I'm going to parlay this into a lot of different shit right here on the blog.

Two room temperature egg yolks
1 cup of canola oil
2T lemon juice/vinegar (I used the juice of 1/2 a lemon + the difference in white wine vinegar)
1/2t Ground Mustard
Salt and pepper to taste

You can add anything to this: sage, basil, sun dried tomatoes, red bell peppers, garlic, cheeses (lots of 'em), horse radish, curry powder, chili powder, chili oil, gorgonzola, goat cheese, cilantro, limes, oranges, grapefruit, cream, Thai chilies, anchovies, etc. Get real with what you want, and embrace anything. Recognize your flavor goals and meet them with this base. Fear not the mayonnaise.

Spicy Mustard Snapper

2010-02-28T18:20:00.000-08:00

Post filthy 50 meal. It was awesome.

Ah, more snapper. Watch out for another recipe after dinner. The snapper rub is simply ground mustard, salt, and pepper. Cook in olive oil, three minutes on one side, flip for two more minutes. To make the sauce simply mix Louisiana style hot sauce with dijon mustard (a little more mustard than hot sauce). I served with with 1/2 of a bacon avocado, a sliced up tomato and some cilantro. It was re-donk.

Dandelion Salad

2010-02-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

Dandelion greens are kinda lemony and grow in the park at the top of Day Road

Watch out for dirt on the dandelion greens. Though they do grow wild, I got these at the farmer's market, and they are cheap as weeds should be. I diced up a tomato, very thinly sliced half of a shallot, added a scant pinch of minced cilantro , and then tossed with with 6T of toasted sesame dressing, salt and pepper to taste. Very nice.